I went is a cafe the other day. There was a board on the wall that said, Bacon Rolls £2, Sausage Butties £2.50, Hand Jobs £20. I sat at a table and a pretty little thing came over wearing a saucy waitress outfit. 'Excuse me' I said, 'are you the lady that gives the hand jobs'? 'Yes I am, sir', she replied. 'Well can you wash your hands please, I'd like a bacon roll'!
There was a young barmaid from Sale Who on her tits had the price of her ale And on her behind For the sake of the blind Had the same information in Braille!
I just wanted to let everyone know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in, Ive only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring....
Horse in the pub having a few beers when spots a donkey sitting in the corner. He nips over to have a natter.
The donkey asks "what did you do for a living?"
Horse says "I ran on the flat in the summer & over the jumps in winter".
Donkey says "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach", then asks "did you win anything?"
Horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger & the Derby. Over the jumps I won the Grand National & the Gold Cup".
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything", so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace.
The horse arrives & says "lovely place you have here, who's that in the picture on the wall?".
Donkey replies "thats me when I played for Juventus"
You make feel very remiss (unless of course you're taking the piss)
I'll take heed of what you say The main thing is he's going away
Yea
Are you Pam Ayres in disguise?
Hilarious, but no.
I googled PA just in case there was a mention of her supporting a football club. Couldn't find one but this little ditty in relation to Trump's penchant for pussy grabbing caught my eye
On meeting Mr President Poor Mrs May must quake Which part of her anatomy Will he decide to shake
Elderly gentleman goes for a check up, after his exam the doctor said to the to the old fella ,
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man.
"After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her:
"Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time.Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old bastard, she replied.
"That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January. ...
I said to the mrs this morning ' Happy Valentines day babe , do you like Paris ? '. She said YES , I said or how about Madrid , she said YES all excited . Happy days I said , its PSG v Real Madrid tonight !
Comments
'Yes I am, sir', she replied.
'Well can you wash your hands please, I'd like a bacon roll'!
While I was in Hong Kong recently I bought a pair of shoes. I looked underneath them and it said “Made Just Around The Corner”
Who on her tits had the price of her ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Had the same information in Braille!
Boom Boom!
The donkey asks "what did you do for a living?"
Horse says "I ran on the flat in the summer & over the jumps in winter".
Donkey says "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach", then asks "did you win anything?"
Horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger & the Derby. Over the jumps I won the Grand National & the Gold Cup".
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything", so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace.
The horse arrives & says "lovely place you have here, who's that in the picture on the wall?".
Donkey replies "thats me when I played for Juventus"
Two West Australian rednecks were out hunting, and as they were walking
along, they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it
and were amazed at its size.
The first hunter said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the
bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter said, "I don't know. Let's throw something down
there, listen, and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter said, "Hey, there's an old automobile gear box
over there. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."
So they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole,
counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.
They were standing there looking over the edge of the hole and
listening when they heard a rustling behind them. As they turned
around, they saw a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up
to the hole, and, without hesitation, jump in head first.
While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement,
they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all
about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say there," said the farmer,
"you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did
you?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing
here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing
about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here
hole!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible. I had him chained to a gear box."
Who stopped by The Valley for a leak
He said to his matey
Where the hell is Katy
Sir, you sacked her last week
You make feel very remiss
(unless of course you're taking the piss)
I'll take heed of what you say
The main thing is he's going away
Yea
Pishtoot Maheed.
I googled PA just in case there was a mention of her supporting a football club. Couldn't find one but this little ditty in relation to Trump's penchant for pussy grabbing caught my eye
On meeting Mr President
Poor Mrs May must quake
Which part of her anatomy
Will he decide to shake
Elderly gentleman goes for a check up, after his exam the doctor said to the to the old fella ,
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man.
"After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her:
"Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time.Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old bastard, she replied.
"That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January. ...
Bloody toot and car moon!
These refs on fifa are a joke
Shame she is crap at snooker
Don't know whats wrong with it?!
Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over love you're about to be.......
Violets are blue
I cannot rhyme
Fuck off Roland you c*nt
At short notice I managed to book me and the missus a table for tonight.
Shame she is crap at snooker.