Well, its another Saturday morning and it’s clear that the B.O wants to sell de kloob, let’s take a moment to see what visionary methods he has brought to the boot sale table.
Method 1
Noel : Good morning and welcome to the new revamped Swap Shop with you, me, and my lovely, lovely beard. Right, let’s not waste a moment, let’s have the first caller on Line 1 - it’s Bo, isn’t it?
B.O: Huh?
Noel: Hello, you’re live on air, Bo, and what do you want to swap?
B.O : A used football club. Good condition, I’ve only played with it about 5% of my time.
Noel : Ok. And what do you want to swap it for?
B.O : 70 million quid.
Noel : Ah, now Bo that’s not quite how this works, you have to swap it for something like a bike or a skateboard. Something like that.
B.O : Oh. I just really want the cash.
Noel: How about a nice set of gel pens? Or a stamp collector starter pack?
B.O: What?!! What are you talking about! You stupid vinegar pisser! What sort of shit show is this! Anyway you’ve got a helicopter and a heavily coiffured beard why can’t you just f***ing buy it then?
Noel : Oh dear, well....while we sort out that ...er...technical difficulty children, all turn to look at me and focus on my beard....just the beard, the lovely, lovely beard.....
Method 2
Fiona: Welcome to Antiques Roadshow, and we start with a lovely football club dating back to 1905 that Mr Bow has brought along for us to look at. It really is a very charming piece.
Ken: Yes, indeed. It has been a little neglected of late, I would guess, but this is a very fine example of a mid sized football club, that in the right hands would be a much cherished possession. Lovely colour. All of the original team have gone, sadly, of course, but there may still be plenty of value lurking in the replacements which look a reasonable quality to me. Definitely Play off material, I would venture.
Fiona : And what are we looking at price wise?
Ken: Well, there are a few chips missing and curiously it is without a boiler, but in its current condition, maybe 10-15 million, at a guess. But of course, if it had been looked after a little better and cared for properly in recent years, it probably would have fetched, I don’t know... 70 million quid?
( There is the sound of scuffling off camera)
Method 3
The fair gaming commission are looking into a football club owner who recently put his club up for raffle. When sales of tickets did not reach the target of 70 million quid, the subsequent winner of the prize draw complained that he was given the alternate prize of a pencil. Investigations continue.
Day 1958. After reading the latest on the Takeover thread put your hands up if you think this is going to end anytime soon? I see....just as I fort... Oh well, best I carry on then, he’s still here. ( look away now children) OH FUCK...
It’s another Saturday morning and the B.O is in his shed listening carefully for any movement outside. He is wearing his General’s helmet again. It keeps slipping right over his eyes because it is just a bit too big, but he is convinced one day his head will simply grow into it.
But that is the least of his worries this morning.
He knows they are out there.
Somewhere.
Those bloody, bastard ants again.
Thousands of the little shits ( officially 27k, but probably about 13k ) out there causing trouble and getting in the way of everything he is trying to do.
Not content with writing ‘FUCK OFF’ in big twigs on his lawn recently, they had now upped the stakes by wording a carefully drafted letter to the EU suggesting he MIGHT not be The Best Owner Of A Football Club Ever. Even he had to grudgingly admit it was a pretty brilliant effort from a bunch of old ants. And the grammar had been shit hot.
If they were not such a bunch of appalling troublemaking bastard troublemakers he thought to himself, why he could have actually used them to help him build a mighty empire. Of something or other.
He looks over at his coffee and thinks that this week he is not going to choke on his biscuit like he always seems to. Why does that ALWAYS seem to happen?
He looks around suddenly for his little amaretto biscuit.
Hey...where IS it?
Then he realises.
Some bastard ant has nicked it!
Let’s leave the B.O running round his shed shouting at ants, with his helmet dropping down over his eyes, and lets carry on.
It is an important strategy day and the members of WASTE ( the War Against Soft Terrorism Eleven) are gathered in the shed War Room.
The B.O eyes them all in turn. They were a fine team. But the epic struggle was entering a decisive phase, and he needed every member here to be at the top of their game.
He turns to look to his right.
“ Right, Mr. Broom, the ants have taken the Embassy. “ he says. “ I propose we send in the elite dance squad with a lightning foxtrot. Do you agree?”
At this point, the broom slides off the edge of the bench to the floor.
The B.O looks at it for a moment.
“ Ok, I’ll take that as a yes.” he says. “General Lawnmower? Your thoughts.”
There is a silence.
Taciturn as ever, the B.O thinks, surveying the tough silent petrol driven machine, but by God he was as sharp a grass cutting blade as any man could hope for.
Quiet authoritarian consent. He nods solemnly at his Qualcast chum.
He now turns his attention to the adviser he least trusts.
“Mr Rivet-Puncher. What say you?” He says grimly.
There is a silence.
Finally, the B.O erupts.
“ Good God, fellow, have the decency to speak up!” the B.O rages. “ We have heard from everyone else, don’t disrespect this meeting by refusing to talk!”
There is still silence from Mr. Rivet-Puncher.
“ Very well.” says the B.O in a cold quiet hiss. “Side with the Vinegar Pissers and the vicious Agents Of Having Courteous Meetings With Embassy Staff, and the bastard Soft Terrorists Who Wave Balloons About At Demos. Your treachery has been noted by us all.”
He stands up and his General helmet goes lopsided again.
He leans on his bench.
“ We march at dawn.”
He’s still here, you terrorising bastards Ohforcryingoutsoftly.
****BELGIAN PRESS ASSOCIATION**** ****NEWS FLASH**** 07.08 Panic in the bunker! Multi-millionaire and footballing visionary Roland Dutchelet is under close police protection this morning after a coded warning from the militant wing of the Addick Republican Army was received.
His Supreme Fuck-witted-ness has been warned to expect direct action against his "evil empire" by nefarious and unexpected means.
This morning, by way of a change, we are going to take a look at some of the typical letters and emails that a busy B.O receives in a packed weekly mail bag.
Dear B.O, Guy, who writes your material, man??!! Another absolutely belter episode this week! The terrorist one liner had us all in stitches! Unbeatable, brilliant satire, mate! You’re still the boss! Ohforcryingoutlaughing, All at The Countdown Thread
Dear Home Ground Owner,
Still not getting that live stream successfully over a spot of lunch in the bistro? At NOW TV we are offering some great deals and connectivity at the moment. Check us out online, and never miss an important game again. You can even watch a Play Off final on our Catch Up In 10 Seconds Round Up of all the action, if your time is tight! ( see our special 5% of your attention discount offer) Call us! Dan@sales
Dear B.O, I’ve got an annoying little bastard nephew who knows nothing about anything, especially football. I know you often provide opportunities for little shits like this, and I know you’re keen to save yourself a bit of money at the moment, so I was thinking, how about making him Manager, Chief Scout and CEO all in one? Neat idea, huh! I mean, you currently have a vacancy for at least one of those, and you might be needing another of those positions filled in the next few weeks eh! He’s 8 btw. But he looks older Let me know, either way. Frank
Dear Boss, How about that f***ing contract? Don’t take the piss, son. L &J
Dear B.O, I am available. Just give me a call. Or leave a message at the laundrette. KF
Dear Customer, Your boiler is still awaiting collection. Underground Heating Solutions
Dear B.O, Property to sell? We have eager buyers waiting to move in! Call now! Right Move
Dear Mr. B.O, Thank for your letter which we read with interest. Unfortunately, we are not looking to purchase a football club at the moment. Good luck with your venture. Kind regards, Spud-U-Like
This morning, by way of a change, we are going to take a look at some of the typical letters and emails that a busy B.O receives in a packed weekly mail bag.
Dear B.O, Guy, who writes your material, man??!! Another absolutely belter episode this week! The terrorist one liner had us all in stitches! Unbeatable, brilliant satire, mate! You’re still the boss! Ohforcryingoutlaughing, All at The Countdown Thread
Dear Home Ground Owner,
Still not getting that live stream successfully over a spot of lunch in the bistro? At NOW TV we are offering some great deals and connectivity at the moment. Check us out online, and never miss an important game again. You can even watch a Play Off final on our Catch Up In 10 Seconds Round Up of all the action, if your time is tight! ( see our special 5% of your attention discount offer) Call us! Dan@sales
Dear B.O, I’ve got an annoying little bastard nephew who knows nothing about anything, especially football. I know you often provide opportunities for little shits like this, and I know you’re keen to save yourself a bit of money at the moment, so I was thinking, how about making him Manager, Chief Scout and CEO all in one? Neat idea, huh! I mean, you currently have a vacancy for at least one of those, and you might be needing another of those positions filled in the next few weeks eh! He’s 8 btw. But he looks older Let me know, either way. Frank
Dear Boss, How about that f***ing contract? Don’t take the piss, son. L &J
Dear B.O, I am available. Just give me a call. Or leave a message at the laundrette. KF
Dear Customer, Your boiler is still awaiting collection. Underground Heating Solutions
Dear B.O, Property to sell? We have eager buyers waiting to move in! Call now! Right Move
Dear Mr. B.O, Thank for your letter which we read with interest. Unfortunately, we are not looking to purchase a football club at the moment. Good luck with your venture. Kind regards, Spud-U-Like
He’s still here. Ohfircryingoutloud
Abso brilliant...3blokes,that's a cracker....😂🤣😂🤣🤣😂🤣
Comments
He’s still here.
ohforcryingoutloud
Another day another bin.
He’s still here.
ohfasolacryingoutloud
Its Good Friday.
He’s still here.
It would be an Even Better Friday if he wasn’t.
ohfacryingoutloud..
Day 1953 and 1954
Well, its another Saturday morning and it’s clear that the B.O wants to sell de kloob, let’s take a moment to see what visionary methods he has brought to the boot sale table.
Method 1
Noel : Good morning and welcome to the new revamped Swap Shop with you, me, and my lovely, lovely beard. Right, let’s not waste a moment, let’s have the first caller on Line 1 - it’s Bo, isn’t it?
B.O: Huh?
Noel: Hello, you’re live on air, Bo, and what do you want to swap?
B.O : A used football club. Good condition, I’ve only played with it about 5% of my time.
Noel : Ok. And what do you want to swap it for?
B.O : 70 million quid.
Noel : Ah, now Bo that’s not quite how this works, you have to swap it for something like a bike or a skateboard. Something like that.
B.O : Oh. I just really want the cash.
Noel: How about a nice set of gel pens? Or a stamp collector starter pack?
B.O: What?!! What are you talking about! You stupid vinegar pisser! What sort of shit show is this! Anyway you’ve got a helicopter and a heavily coiffured beard why can’t you just f***ing buy it then?
Noel : Oh dear, well....while we sort out that ...er...technical difficulty children, all turn to look at me and focus on my beard....just the beard, the lovely, lovely beard.....
Method 2
Fiona: Welcome to Antiques Roadshow, and we start with a lovely football club dating back to 1905 that Mr Bow has brought along for us to look at. It really is a very charming piece.
Ken: Yes, indeed. It has been a little neglected of late, I would guess, but this is a very fine example of a mid sized football club, that in the right hands would be a much cherished possession. Lovely colour. All of the original team have gone, sadly, of course, but there may still be plenty of value lurking in the replacements which look a reasonable quality to me. Definitely Play off material, I would venture.
Fiona : And what are we looking at price wise?
Ken: Well, there are a few chips missing and curiously it is without a boiler, but in its current condition, maybe 10-15 million, at a guess. But of course, if it had been looked after a little better and cared for properly in recent years, it probably would have fetched, I don’t know... 70 million quid?
( There is the sound of scuffling off camera)
Method 3
The fair gaming commission are looking into a football club owner who recently put his club up for raffle. When sales of tickets did not reach the target of 70 million quid, the subsequent winner of the prize draw complained that he was given the alternate prize of a pencil. Investigations continue.
He’s still here.
Oh facryingoutloud
Well done @3blokes
He’s still here.
Oh for crying out loud...
He’s still here.
O4crying‘gout’loud
He’s still here.
Ohfucryingoutloud
After reading the latest on the Takeover thread put your hands up if you think this is going to end anytime soon?
I see....just as I fort...
Oh well, best I carry on then, he’s still here.
( look away now children)
OH FUCK...
He’s still here.
Ohforcryingoutloud..
He can't resist a CL mention while having one of his rants with Jim White.
They might catch up again soon
Day 1960 and 1961
It’s another Saturday morning and the B.O is in his shed listening carefully for any movement outside. He is wearing his General’s helmet again. It keeps slipping right over his eyes because it is just a bit too big, but he is convinced one day his head will simply grow into it.
But that is the least of his worries this morning.
He knows they are out there.
Somewhere.
Those bloody, bastard ants again.
Thousands of the little shits ( officially 27k, but probably about 13k
) out there causing trouble and getting in the way of everything he is trying to do.
Not content with writing ‘FUCK OFF’ in big twigs on his lawn recently, they had now upped the stakes by wording a carefully drafted letter to the EU suggesting he MIGHT not be The Best Owner Of A Football Club Ever. Even he had to grudgingly admit it was a pretty brilliant effort from a bunch of old ants. And the grammar had been shit hot.
If they were not such a bunch of appalling troublemaking bastard troublemakers he thought to himself, why he could have actually used them to help him build a mighty empire. Of something or other.
He looks over at his coffee and thinks that this week he is not going to choke on his biscuit like he always seems to. Why does that ALWAYS seem to happen?
He looks around suddenly for his little amaretto biscuit.
Hey...where IS it?
Then he realises.
Some bastard ant has nicked it!
Let’s leave the B.O running round his shed shouting at ants, with his helmet dropping down over his eyes, and lets carry on.
He’s still here.
Ohfurcryingoutloud...
In so many sad ways,
Where Cafc have days of gray,
Because we can't make hay,
Olé, Olé, Olé,
As @Blackpool72 would say,
In his artistic way,
With any Luck,
Off Roland shall fuck,
I'm pleased I had my say,
Olé, Olé, Olé,
Belgian Embassy this month - and the newly elected European Parliament in June?
(Still leaves open the option for approaching the UN if he's still here next season, ohforcryingoutloud.)
He’s still here.
Ohforcryingoutloud..
Day 1963.
It is an important strategy day and the members of WASTE ( the War Against Soft Terrorism Eleven) are gathered in the shed War Room.
The B.O eyes them all in turn. They were a fine team. But the epic struggle was entering a decisive phase, and he needed every member here to be at the top of their game.
He turns to look to his right.
“ Right, Mr. Broom, the ants have taken the Embassy. “ he says. “ I propose we send in the elite dance squad with a lightning foxtrot. Do you agree?”
At this point, the broom slides off the edge of the bench to the floor.
The B.O looks at it for a moment.
“ Ok, I’ll take that as a yes.” he says. “General Lawnmower? Your thoughts.”
There is a silence.
Taciturn as ever, the B.O thinks, surveying the tough silent petrol driven machine, but by God he was as sharp a grass cutting blade as any man could hope for.
Quiet authoritarian consent. He nods solemnly at his Qualcast chum.
He now turns his attention to the adviser he least trusts.
“Mr Rivet-Puncher. What say you?” He says grimly.
There is a silence.
Finally, the B.O erupts.
“ Good God, fellow, have the decency to speak up!” the B.O rages. “ We have heard from everyone else, don’t disrespect this meeting by refusing to talk!”
There is still silence from Mr. Rivet-Puncher.
“ Very well.” says the B.O in a cold quiet hiss. “Side with the Vinegar Pissers and the vicious Agents Of Having Courteous Meetings With Embassy Staff, and the bastard Soft Terrorists Who Wave Balloons About At Demos. Your treachery has been noted by us all.”
He stands up and his General helmet goes lopsided again.
He leans on his bench.
“ We march at dawn.”
He’s still here, you terrorising bastardsOhforcryingoutsoftly.
****NEWS FLASH****
07.08
Panic in the bunker!
Multi-millionaire and footballing visionary Roland Dutchelet
is under close police protection this morning after a coded
warning from the militant wing of the Addick Republican Army
was received.
His Supreme Fuck-witted-ness has been warned to expect
direct action against his "evil empire"
by nefarious and unexpected means.
He’s still here.
Ohforkillingmesoftlywithiswords
He’s still here.
Ohforcrybinoutloud
He’s still here.
ohforcryingoutloud
This morning, by way of a change, we are going to take a look at some of the typical letters and emails that a busy B.O receives in a packed weekly mail bag.
Dear B.O,
Guy, who writes your material, man??!! Another absolutely belter episode this week! The terrorist one liner had us all in stitches! Unbeatable, brilliant satire, mate!
You’re still the boss!
Ohforcryingoutlaughing,
All at The Countdown Thread
Dear Home Ground Owner,
Still not getting that live stream successfully over a spot of lunch in the bistro?
At NOW TV we are offering some great deals and connectivity at the moment. Check us out online, and never miss an important game again. You can even watch a Play Off final on our Catch Up In 10 Seconds Round Up of all the action, if your time is tight! ( see our special 5% of your attention discount offer)
Call us!
Dan@sales
Dear B.O,
I’ve got an annoying little bastard nephew who knows nothing about anything, especially football. I know you often provide opportunities for little shits like this, and I know you’re keen to save yourself a bit of money at the moment, so I was thinking, how about making him Manager, Chief Scout and CEO all in one? Neat idea, huh! I mean, you currently have a vacancy for at least one of those, and you might be needing another of those positions filled in the next few weeks eh!
He’s 8 btw. But he looks older
Let me know, either way.
Frank
Dear Boss,
How about that f***ing contract? Don’t take the piss, son.
L &J
Dear B.O,
I am available. Just give me a call. Or leave a message at the laundrette.
KF
Dear Customer,
Your boiler is still awaiting collection.
Underground Heating Solutions
Dear B.O,
Property to sell? We have eager buyers waiting to move in!
Call now!
Right Move
Dear Mr. B.O,
Thank for your letter which we read with interest.
Unfortunately, we are not looking to purchase a football club at the moment.
Good luck with your venture.
Kind regards,
Spud-U-Like
He’s still here.
Ohfircryingoutloud
He’s still here.
Ohforcryingoutcloud