I'm hosting a quiz night on Thursday, and am terrified.
Work do, and pretty sure i'm going to get plenty of heckling.
Anyone got any good putdowns i can have prepared ?
Work collegues etc. so would rather err on the side of gentle humour rather than outright abuse !
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Sorry, I don't speak pissed.
Aaah, I remember my first drink.
Isn't it a school night?
Glad you could make it, although I'm sure I didn't see the Sunshine Coach outside when I came in.
Isn't it always the way? You come out for a quiet chat and some git builds a comedy club round you. Shut up!
Has your carer got the night off?
Bringing your own jokes to a comedy club? Nice style; do you take your guitar to rock concerts too?
'Some of you I consider friends, others, people I met'.
'My position, sir, does not allow me to argue with you. But if it ever came to a choice of weapons, I should choose grammar.'
'I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception.'
Nice shirt. How long have you been colour-blind?
That shirt looked better on the hanger.
I just love your dress; could you lend me the pattern?
Nice dress - how are you going to turn it back into a sofa cover?
It's amazing what you can do with a sewing machine and a pair of curtains.
You're so fat you've got your own area code.
You're so hairy even Big Foot took a picture of you.
You're so old your social security number is 1.
You're so poor you go to KFC to lick other people's fingers.
You're so stupid you cook with Old Spice.
You're so ugly you tried to take a bath and the water jumped out.
Your teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when you smile.
Your house is so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
Your house is so dirty, you go outside to wipe your feet.
I believe your father was a boxer... and your mother a Dalmatian.
[In response to the sexist comment 'every woman has her price'] What was your mother's?
You're so spotty, blind people read you.
You're so skinny, that when you try to drink you fall down the straw.
Your family is so poor, that when somebody dropped a cigarette in your house, your momma sang: 'Clap your hands and stomp your feet! Praise the Lord that we got heat!'
You're so ugly, you make your momma look pretty.
'You may say that now, but I'm safe in the knowledge that when I go home, I have a warm chicken in the oven.'
'The outpatients are out in force tonight, I see, good!'
'Why don't you talk to the wall; that's plastered as well.'
Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Two words - Cat Scan.
Try things like this but tone down depending on the auidence and keep it focused on the quiz. Never swear or get too crude. The trick is not to take them on as they will enjoy the confrontation (they are drunk and shouting things out so they are obviously big mouths who like that)
Get the rest of the crowd on your side. make the remarks to the crowd as if you were whispering an aside. And keep a smile on your face when you say it.
"There a question coming up on who's the biggest idiot in the room and he's just given you all the answer."
he's a fine one to talk. his answers to the last round were "two pints of milk, loaf of bread,, 10 pot noodles and a copy of penthouse".
Or if people are laughing at their remarks, Just praise them "he's missed his vocation, he should have been a professional comedian, he's really good. Certainly a lot better comedian than he is a merchant banker (or whatever they do).
or just watch a pro at work tonight but then again I do this for a living. Still get nervous sometimes but that gives you the edge just like in a football match.
and then getting the sack !
If they don't I find shooting them does the trick.
"I hear what you're saying but all it sounds like is Boo hoo, booo hoooo hooo"
"Unfortunatly the yelling incoherantly round is after this one has finished"
"I Imagine that probably made sense when you were thinking of it..."
Overtly laugh at their comment really make a point of it bnaging your fist against the desk then with a mock 'brilliant' and then mutter twat under your breath but audiably.
Cut them off early before they begin with something like...
"be careful, every one is listening, so this better be worth it, i imagine when you thought of this it was so funny you had dreams of people wetting themselves with laughter before picking you up upon their shoulders lifting you out to the street chanting your name as they walked through the streets, Channel 4 executives will be beating a path to your door while local residents will build a statue in your honour... so lets hear it then" By which time it's obviously far too latefor them to make the comment
I imagine that
Bart. Ive got the perfect retort mate! You cant go wrong with this one!!
When it starts just stick both fingers in your ears, screw your face up tight and shout "LAAA, LAAA, LAAA, LAAA" until they stop.
Always works with the Missus.........
But looks arent everything.......