Thing is, from lookinng at some people you can tell their grunts are gonna be really noxious. Tevez is one of these people. So is Damian Duff. I bet that man cld clear a stadium
I've always thought that Tracey Emin's would stink
When at home I give the kids at least 5 seconds notice before I let rip. Such are societal pressures in the outside world I feel inclined to dispense of farts in the same manner as the prisoners in 'the great escape' disposed of dirt. I walk around and find a quiet spot, check that I'm not being observed, lift my left bum cheek and squeek one out. I'll then meander to a different spot and release a little more air. Walking away to a safe distance I can turn to see various faces giving each other the accusing evil eye!
Ladies find farting attractive and manly, like ball-scratching and lying on the sofa in a string vest to watch MOTD2.
The first recorded fart was in the Garden of Eden although you do need to read between the lines a little. It was soon after Adam had eaten the apple of truth and he had just learned to tie two fig leaves together when he saw Eve approaching and first cried "Nork Alert!" He felt one brewing and lifted a fig leaf (just in case, you understand) before letting rip a corker with a cry of " Ave some of that, darlin'!" Eve was so impressed that she immediately administered the world's first BJ and they went on to live happily ever after, having several children (although it is thought they never in fact married, due to the lack of a vicar). The rest is history.
I had an autograph book when I was about 7 ( yes, papyrus !) - no famous signatures, just family & friends.
Old Uncle Tot ( real name Ernest Feakins Rothwell !) took a great deal of time & effort writing his contribution. And I looked forward to reading it....
Until I did :
" Wherever you may be, always let your wind go free. In church or chapel, let it rattle "
I was mortified and tore that page out toot sweet !
Even poets find breaking wind a literary topic, ie...
" A tender little message set lovingly from the heart Travels down the backbone and ends up as a fart Now a fart is a wonderful thing it gives the body ease, It keeps the bedclothes warm, and suffocates the fleas" trad.
My funniest farting story involves my dear old Dad. After too many beers on Xmas eve, I had a touch of wind. Having let one go, my Dad walked into where I was opening a prezzie, sniffed and said "Old Spice?" From that day onwards Old Spice had a special meaning in our house.
My best farting story was also xmas time. My wife's aunt (in her 80's) was sitting on the setee all Xmas day. When someone helped her up, she started to fart & continued all the way across the front room & out into the hallway. The longest fart I've ever heard. A friend under his breath, very quietly said "you dirty bastard". Hilarious, you had to be there of course.
I remember my gran, a very stern and proper woman not unlike Hyacinth Bucket, let one go next to me and my brother when we were having a family meal with loads of aunts, uncles and cousins. We hardly ate a bite because we were face down on the table pissing ourselves, and everyone else was trying to carry on as normal whilst we howled. We couldn't say why we were laughing. guess you had to be there, but we burst out laughing everytime we think about it.
Comments
On the female front I would say davina mcall would know how to drop her gutts to epic proportions
The first recorded fart was in the Garden of Eden although you do need to read between the lines a little. It was soon after Adam had eaten the apple of truth and he had just learned to tie two fig leaves together when he saw Eve approaching and first cried "Nork Alert!" He felt one brewing and lifted a fig leaf (just in case, you understand) before letting rip a corker with a cry of " Ave some of that, darlin'!" Eve was so impressed that she immediately administered the world's first BJ and they went on to live happily ever after, having several children (although it is thought they never in fact married, due to the lack of a vicar). The rest is history.
What's the point, then?
Old Uncle Tot ( real name Ernest Feakins Rothwell !) took a great deal of time & effort writing his contribution. And I looked forward to reading it....
Until I did :
" Wherever you may be, always let your wind go free. In church or chapel, let it rattle "
I was mortified and tore that page out toot sweet !
" A tender little message set lovingly from the heart
Travels down the backbone and ends up as a fart
Now a fart is a wonderful thing it gives the body ease,
It keeps the bedclothes warm, and suffocates the fleas"
trad.
The more you eat the more you fart
The more you fart the more you eat
The more you sit on the toilet seat
fatty blew off
and skinny laughed
A friend under his breath, very quietly said "you dirty bastard". Hilarious, you had to be there of course.
fatty blew off
and blew skinny in half
Fatty blew off, and then he was thinner.