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New Article: Saint Christopher and the Fear at the Valley of Death


And it did come to pass that Saint Christopher and the chosen people of the red Valley did hit a rocky patch on their tireless march to the Promised Land.

After many days and nights of clean sheets and the return of the prodigal son (Saint Jason of Euell) the path to the mountain top had seemed lined with beautiful and perfumed flowers.

But now the wheels had verily fallen off the chariot and that flowery path did seem as dark and forbidding as Lewisham High Street in a December power cut.

The people of the red Valley had started to remember the evil old days of Saint Parky of Hoofball and the false words of that serpent Saint Pardew of Toontotty.

So King Slater of the Moneylenders did call for Saint Christopher and made him bow before him. King Slater was wearing his official Charlton Velcro running shorts for he was preparing for the great run of Marathon.

“Why haveth your disciples stopped so close to the mountain top? “, demanded King Slater as he rubbed Vaseline into his nipples.

“Have I not given thee all my bags of Gold and it is only a few more steps to the Promised Land. Must I call on my brother–in-law, Saint Dennis of Yobo, to finish this journey?”

And Saint Christopher felt one of those warm feelings in his tracksuit. He stretched out his arms before the King for he did truly hate that Saint Dennis of Yobo, who was verily the son of Satan.

“Though I walk through the Valley of the shadow death, I will fear no evil” proclaimed Saint Christopher. “For your rod and staff comfort me”.

“This is no time to talk fishing” “roared the King.

“The ancient scribe Saint Peacock has written that the people of the red Valley are gnashing their teeth once more and this could impact on season ticket revenue”.

So Saint Christopher wandered alone and afraid across the barren lands of SE7. His disciples were tired and crippled. Even the Reverend Jesse Jackson could no longer walk and Saint Green of the Hairdressers had gone missing. The Giant Yan from the land of Frogs had taken to his bed and he knew not what to do.

But then there as a great shining light and an angel did appeareth from the roof of the Valley Superstore.

“Be not afraid”. said the angel. “For I bring great news of great joy that will be for all people of the red Valley”.
“ Lee Hughes is back in prison?” asked Saint Christopher.

“No not that” said the angel.

“Lionel Messi is coming on a free?”

“I said news” said the angel, “not a bloody miracle”.

“Now, listeneth carefully, for I have word from the one true Lord (Curbs)”.

“Oh Christ” said Saint Christopher. “That’s all I need”.

“The Lord (Curbs) doth say that thou must cease temptation by hoofball and play proper footy. This will mean victory over the dreaded oriental people of “the far eastern lands and the chosen people will reach the Promised Land.

“Hallelujah “said Saint Christopher leaping with great joy. Let us go forward with faith. We truly have nothing to fear but fear itself.

“And Kevin Lisbie.” added the angel.



This is the word of the one true Lord (Curbs).
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Comments

  • Cracking stuff :-)
  • That's just what I needed to cheer me up.

    Cheers grumpy that was superb as usual.
  • Brillianr! Brilliant and Brilliant Grumpy! Not laughed so much in ages.
  • One of your best Grumpy!

    Excellent stuff.
  • The giant Yann from the land of the frogs.... Haha
  • Absolutely brilliant! Keep the faith!
  • First class and very good stuff Grumpy as always - Round of applause = Clap clap, Bugger back to the clinic again
  • What a great read. I look forward to your Sermon on the Mount at the end of the season.
  • Thank you for an enjoyable read
  • Amen to that Grumps.
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  • Brilliant!
  • Top top stuff Grumpy, a cracking read thanks I laughed throughout, King Slater of the Moneylenders
  • Brilliant, just brilliant.
    "Lewisham High Street in a December power cut".
    "demanded King Slater as he rubbed Vaseline into his nipples".
    A couple of classic lines amongst others.



  • Excellent Grumpy, thanks.
  • Grumpyaddick is verily vicar on earth to the one true Lord (Curbs) and he hath writ down the gospel as it is prophesised. The gates of the championship shall be opened to the righteous of SE7 and the doors shall be barred to the Yorkist heathens of the barren north. But this shall come to pass only if the chosen people who have been blessed and annoited by the Lord (Curbs) refuse all temptation and cast no doubt on St Christopher and his mission to lead us to the Promised Land.
  • Brilliant & perfect timing. If Grumpy posted these too often, they would stop being as funny. But he always times it right.
  • Love your articles, please write a book/pamphlet/more
  • The Gospel according to St Grumpy must be assembled in its entirety and sold in the Superstore as a testament to the trials , tribulations and dark humour which has accompanied every one of us through this amazing season.
  • AMEN. Great read at the right time.
  • Brilliant made me smile thanks
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  • edited March 2012
    have yourself a saveloy treat...
    390391023_cfcdf07fcf.jpg
    500 x 396 - 171K
  • Nice ...
  • love it!
  • edited March 2012
    We will now sing Hymn number 1905, Onward Charlton Soldiers:


    Onward, Charlton soldiers, marching as to war,
 With the sword of Floyd Road going on before.
 Chris, our loyal Master, leads against the foe;
 Forward up the football league see His Addicks go!

    Refrain: Onward, Charlton soldiers, marching as to war,
 With the sword of Floyd Road going on before.

    At the sign of triumph Sheffield types doth flee;
 On then, Charlton soldiers, on to victory!
 Hell’s foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
 East stand lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.

    Refrain

    Like a mighty army moves the Charlton club;
 Brothers, we are treading where the Saints were drubbed.
 We are not divided, all one body we,
 One in aim and doctrine: to get out this league.

    Refrain

    What Slater established that I hold for true.
 What Murray believèd in, that I believe too.
 Long as fixtures remain, Reds the faith will hold; Oldham, Walsall, Preston in destruction rolled.

    Refrain

    Leads and wins may perish, cup runs rise and wane,
 But the Club of Charlton constant will remain.
 Gates of hell can never 'gainst the clique prevail;
 We have Christopher's promise, and that cannot fail.

    Refrain

    Onward then, ye people, join our happy throng,
 Blend with ours your voices in the triumph song.
 Glory, laud and honour unto Chris the King,
 This through countless seasons the covered choir sings: Charlton [clap, clap , clap], Charlton [clap, clap , clap] etc.
  • Got to say Grumpy the best one yet.....and they've all been brilliant!!! Thanks for giving me a big birthday laugh this morning !!!
  • Nice one Stig. I presume that took you all night, looking at the time of the post :-)

  • Love the idea of "Onward Charlton Soldiers" resonating from the covered end......

    Might fit in well with "your brother is your Mother etc...".
  • Not that I need cheering up but that has put a smile on my face.
  • Fabulous! Though not sure the one true Lord (Curbs) had much of a clue how to get out of such a dip either ;-)
  • Hallelujah! and yeah verrily it be writ that the doors of the Promised Land remain open to the Addicks faithful
    (until 5 May, at the latest!)
    Great post Grumpy.
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Roland Out!