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Tickled ME

Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 7:52 pm Post subject:

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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Comments

  • John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
    "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
    "Of course, John," his wife said softly.
    "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
    "But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
    With his last breath John said, "I do!"
  • A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

    Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately, rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly with a very satisfied daze.

    The counsellor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you manage that?"

    The husband replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf."
  • A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife

    Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

    From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When I says Bell two', you jump on de bed. When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night." The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell One' and she stripped naked. 'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed. 'Bell Tree', and they started to make love. After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four". " What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" She replied : "Roll out more hose, man, you aint nowhere near de fire."
  • Woman goes into a bar and asks for a Double Entendre. So the Barman gave her one.
  • If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just yell out letters.
  • Old man just been admitted to hospital and his hospital bed- turns around to the even older man in the bed next to him- points his finger at himself and says croakily- "Archie" The other guy replies quietly- "Eddie"

    Archie- looks at him and after a mo says even quieter "83". To which Eddie, after a while, responds "92".

    Archie looks sadly at him, and almost under his breath says " Cancer"

    Eddie, looks back and, almost inaudiably replies--- "Sagitarius"
  • A middle aged woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to
    her husband, "I look, horrible. I'm fat, my boobs and my backside are
    getting more saggy by the day, I find a new wrinkle every morning and I
    think I'll have to go up yet ANOTHER dress size".

    Sitting down with her head in her hands she continues, "I just feel so old
    and ugly...can you please at least pay me one compliment?".

    The husband replies," Well if it's any consolation , your eyesight's f***ing
    spot on !!".
  • A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.


    Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

    "Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.

    They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

    She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

    They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

    The guy is amazed! ! Everything has been SO incredible!!!! "You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

    "No, " she replies. . . . . . . . . "

    She says :

    "You just happened to catch my eye. "
  • A married couple were on a holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

    So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

    Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex machine?

    The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

    The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and
    tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years. In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

    The Jamaican began screaming: "You got dem on de wrong feet, man".
  • Went to a wedding last weekend, two Aeriel friends.

    Wedding was pretty poor but the reception was amazing!
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  • Oh stan that is awful, top marks my kind of silly yoke!
  • A team of sociologists has planned an experiment in isolation. They send an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island and arrange to come back and pick them up in a year's time and see how they have adapted.

    The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves. "I'm an engineer" says the Englishman, "So I'll handle building a shelter". He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks - why don't you handle the cooking?" The Frenchman agrees, and the Englishman turns to the Japanese man "That leaves you to organise the supplies" he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.

    A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have coped. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies.

    The Englishman comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up". The team is amazed and is shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food. The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work with" he says, "This island has loads of edible herbs and plants." The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man. "Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the Englishman, he ran into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since".

    They all agree that they should try to find the man, and a search party is organised. They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with half a coconut on his head, and peacock feathers sticking out of his bum, and shouts:.............














    .............supplies !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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