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Honesty

DA9DA9
edited February 2009 in Not Sports Related
Caught the back end of a discussion programme the other day about honesty, now I have been accused in the past of being 'Brusqe', and my other half thinks I can be quite rude or blunt. However, I dont see it that way, I am always brutely honest, otherwise I dont see the point, this programme was saying that you can be honest, but also sensitive to others feelings at the same time.

Now to me, thats not being completely honest, thats dressing things up or sugaring the pill, I would expect people to be completely honest with me, and can take honest criticism on the chin, and hold my hands up if I'm wrong, it's the way I am, for example, if my partner says to me "do you think I have put on weight", the classic line that most men would shy away from, my opinion is be honest, tell her if she has but also tell her if she hasn't, if she doesn't want an honest answer, why ask the question?

I'm like it with all things in life, family, friends etc, am I wrong?
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Comments

  • I'm exactly the same. I told my wife the other day that the dinner she cooked was horrible when she asked how was it. My point was if I hadnt she would cook it again. She didnt quite get my point but I was just being honest.
  • The problem with brutal honesty is that it doesn't get you any friends. If you wish to sacrifice sensitivity for honesty, then you have to be prepared to be a lonely person. What's wrong with saying, yes you've put on a few pounds but I still love you, or, I love your food but that wasn't one of my favourites?
  • All depends on how much importance you attach to other people's feelings i suppose, particularly in personal life.

    In business life and man-management, sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture. How is your 'brutal honesty' likely to impact on your long-term goals ? Is your honesty on say a collegues poor attempts likely to inspire him to greater things, or are they a character who would go the opposite way and into their shell ?

    Would your brutal honesty with a client be likely to impinge on the likely hood for further business ?

    Sometimes you have to play the long game. No one likes liars and they can be weeded out very easily, but sometimes to keep the peace you have to hold back a little.
  • Up to a point, Lord Copper.
  • [cite]Posted By: stilladdicted[/cite]The problem with brutal honesty is that it doesn't get you any friends. If you wish to sacrifice sensitivity for honesty, then you have to be prepared to be a lonely person. What's wrong with saying, yes you've put on a few pounds but I still love you, or, I love your food but that wasn't one of my favourites?

    Thats the whole point, why do you have to dress it up when your simply answering a question? There's too much flannel in the world as it is.
  • [cite]Posted By: DA9[/cite]
    [cite]Posted By: stilladdicted[/cite]The problem with brutal honesty is that it doesn't get you any friends. If you wish to sacrifice sensitivity for honesty, then you have to be prepared to be a lonely person. What's wrong with saying, yes you've put on a few pounds but I still love you, or, I love your food but that wasn't one of my favourites?

    Thats the whole point, why do you have to dress it up when your simply answering a question? There's too much flannel in the world as it is.

    I see a lot of this a work. Managers who like to call a spade a f****** shovel but then get upset when a member of staff or a higher grade manager give them the same sort of language or can't see why they keep losing staff or have to go to tribunals all the time.

    Saying to a member of staff "that was terrible" maybe honest but it doesn't take them anywhere. Saying "that wasn't good enough" or "not what you are capable of, you need to do more/less of this" gives them a way forward.

    Staying out of what you say to wives/husbands. Whole different ball game.
  • DA9DA9
    edited February 2009
    I'm not talking about being verbally abusive, or overly critical, thats a whole different area, I'm talking about given honest answers to honest questions.
  • You can be honest without being brutal.
  • Depends on whether or not you want a divorce! I understand your point, but if you can be honest AND avoid hurting the other person's feelings, then that for me is the better option.
  • [cite]Posted By: Brunello[/cite]I'm exactly the same. I told my wife the other day that the dinner she cooked was horrible when she asked how was it. My point was if I hadnt she would cook it again. She didnt quite get my point but I was just being honest.

    how long did it take you to get the gravy off your tie/shirt/walls?
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  • edited February 2009
    [cite]Posted By: DA9[/cite]I'm not talking about being verbally abusive, or overly critical, thats a whole different area, I'm talking about given honest answers to honest questions.


    But what is honest to you can be taken as overly critical to others. It's the way they perceive it that needs to be considered.

    As the saying goes "the meaning of your communication is the response you get"

    - admit it, you all love it when I come out with this type of management jargon ; - )
  • DA9DA9
    edited February 2009
    I was going to come to perception, thats always been my belief, if someone does not like your honesty (remember, honesty & verbal abuse are different) then its their issue not mine.
  • edited February 2009
    Honesty is the best policy but there are ways of being constructively honest rather than destructively or negatively so in my opinion.

    Too many people in my experience, especially in the workplace, revel in abusing people and hide behind honesty as a questionable mask for this.

    I'm not saying that you fall into this category DA9
  • [cite]Posted By: LenGlover[/cite]Honesty is the best policy but there are ways of being constructively honest rather than destructively or negatively so in my opinion.

    Too many people in my experience, especially in the workplace, revel in abusing people and hide behind honesty as a questionable mask for this.

    I'm not saying that you fall into this category DA9

    LOL, I definitely dont, I think people are getting honesty mixed up with verbal abuse, for instance, if someone asked you "do you like my new haircut", you can be honest and say "no", or you can say "no, it looks crap"...there's the difference IMO
  • This all comes down to people skills and being able to answer honestly, but sensitively. If someone asked whether you like their hair cut and you just said "no" then your are likely to offend. What you need to do is just add "I actually preferred it the way it was" or "its a bit too short" - constructive criticism. You do need to dress it up - its the only way most people can take criticism.

    My mother law is brutally honest and has very few friends outside of the family - the family only put up with it because she is family.

    The great thing is some people who like to be "honest" cant take it themselves .........

    Actually it is sometimes better to lie - why ruin someones day over a bloody hair cut when you can just lie?
  • edited February 2009
    haircuts should be given some form of honesty exemption.

    If a lady has had a cut, then no matter how hideous, it looks great. Give every attempt to make her feel secure with herself.

    If a bloke has had a haircut, then no matter how nice, you laugh, point and take the p1ss. Give every attempt to drive out any form of self-pleasure he may have.

    Those are the rules.
    If we didn't have rules where would we be ? FRANCE
    If we had too many rules where would we be ?
    GERMANY
    If we had rules stipulating that when a woman puts on a pound, her husband should call her a disgrace, an embarrassment to the family, and should be locked in a cellar with no food, water or light until the scales give a positive reading, where would we be ? DA9's HOUSE

    :-)
  • [cite]Posted By: AFKABartram[/cite]haircuts should be given some form of honesty exemption.

    If a lady has had a cut, then no matter how hideous, it looks great. Give every attempt to make her feel secure with herself.

    If a bloke has had a haircut, then no matter how nice, you laugh, point and take the p1ss. Give every attempt to drive out any form of self-pleasure he may have.

    Those are the rules.
    If we didn't have rules where would we be ? FRANCE
    If we had too many rules where would we be ?
    GERMANY
    If we had rules stipulating that when a woman puts on a pound, her husband should call her a disgrace, an embarrassment to the family, and should be locked in a cellar with no food, water or light until the scales give a positive reading, where would we be ? DA9's HOUSE

    :-)

    Oi fella's, haircuts was merely an example, LOL
  • [cite]Posted By: AFKABartram[/cite]haircuts should be given some form of honesty exemption.

    If a lady has had a cut, then no matter how hideous, it looks great. Give every attempt to make her feel secure with herself.

    If a bloke has had a haircut, then no matter how nice, you laugh, point and take the p1ss. Give every attempt to drive out any form of self-pleasure he may have.

    Those are the rules.
    If we didn't have rules where would we be ? FRANCE
    If we had too many rules where would we be ?
    GERMANY
    If we had rules stipulating that when a woman puts on a pound, her husband should call her a disgrace, an embarrassment to the family, and should be locked in a cellar with no food, water or light until the scales give a positive reading, where would we be ? DA9's HOUSE

    :-)

    Very funny for a pygmy. I am getting into this ..........
  • No worries Lurch
  • [cite]Posted By: AFKABartram[/cite]No worries Lurch

    Shut the feck up or I wil get quiffy onto you ....
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  • DA9DA9
    edited February 2009
    Now, you see, that IS verbal abuse, you feckers
  • edited February 2009
    I'm always honest. It doesn't win you any friends. Thing is, I just don't give a f*** either way, so it doesn't bother me. I don't get why people ask stupid questions and get offended at the subsequent response. If my wife asked me 'do you think I've put on weight?' I'd tell her to go jump on the f***ing scales and find out - they're likely to be far more accurate than any guess I might make. Similarly, if I cooked dinner one night and it was shit - I'd know it was shit, and wouldn't need her to confirm it for me - I'd just apologise and make sure I didn't cook it again.

    Sugar-coating (lying) things is never a good way to go. Anyone who needs to have their choices or status reaffirmed is insecure and, deep down inside, already knows what you think anyway. A few years ago my mate pulled an absolute cracker of a girl in a nightclub in soho. Unfortunately for him, this girl was a complete slag. he knew it, I knew it, everyone else knew it - but when he started going out with her a couple of weeks later he still got the arris when I told him she was a slag. If he didn't want me to tell him, he shouldn;t have asked. Period.
  • Good thread.
    Honesty...where do children fit in to this? Should we be totally honest to children? The adult world construct lies about Santa, the Easter Bunny, tooth faries, talking animals and such like.
    Should children, young children, see for example the slaughter of the animals we give them to eat, and should they be called pig instead of bacon and sausages? I met an 18 year old last year who thought anchovys were vegetables, and an ok pizza topping, because they were 'the same as sweetcorn and green peppers'.
    Would one tell a child with a terminal illness the honest truth, factually and simply, maybe one would?
    I hope to be honest, yet diplomatic...even gracious, and run the risk of accusations of being wishy washy. I do fail a lot of the time when dealing with authority figures, and am lacking any grace when dealing with opposition players, refs and linesmen, and lately with Pardew and Parkinson.
  • edited February 2009
    You're a harsh man Leroy !

    Fine line between being honest and being rude. I personally would never slag off a friends partner to him, no matter what i feel.
  • I consider myself to be honest, yet every time I tell the wife "I am only nipping out for a pint", I struggle home drunk.
  • [cite]Posted By: AFKABartram[/cite]You're a harsh man Leroy !

    Fine line between being honest and being rude. I personally would never slag off a friends partner to him, no matter what i feel.
    If it came to it, I wouldn't say a word about it ('plead the fifth' as the yanks say). That was a slightly misleading example, as he'd only been seeing her a few weeks. I have, in the past, disgraced myself by calling a mate's girlfriend a 'fat, ugly, clueless moose' - sadly for me they're still together ten years later, are married and have two kids. As a result, I don't really see my mate any more - but it doesn't bother me - I was right then, and I'm still right now. I'd never apologise for it.

    I can be 'tactful' though, when its required. My brother's missus really irks me - so I never talk to her. This is made somewhat easier by the 10,000 miles between us (they live in Australia) but will be tested when he comes over to visit next month. I'll just make sure I palm her off on the wife - who deals with this sort of thing better than me. I find it very difficult to even feign interest when I'm talking to someone who bores/annoys me - and I don't suffer those I consider to be fools gladly. Its one of the reasons I'll never make a good manager - every time I've had to do it in the past, dealing with lazy, stupid or incompetent people gives me ballache.
  • [cite]Posted By: Leroy Ambrose[/cite]disgraced myself by calling a mate's girlfriend a 'fat, ugly, clueless moose' - sadly for me they're still together ten years later, are married and have two kids.
    Brilliant! lol
  • [cite]Posted By: Leroy Ambrose[/cite]
    [cite]Posted By: AFKABartram[/cite]You're a harsh man Leroy !

    Fine line between being honest and being rude. I personally would never slag off a friends partner to him, no matter what i feel.
    If it came to it, I wouldn't say a word about it ('plead the fifth' as the yanks say). That was a slightly misleading example, as he'd only been seeing her a few weeks. I have, in the past, disgraced myself by calling a mate's girlfriend a 'fat, ugly, clueless moose' - sadly for me they're still together ten years later, are married and have two kids. As a result, I don't really see my mate any more - but it doesn't bother me - I was right then, and I'm still right now. I'd never apologise for it.

    I can be 'tactful' though, when its required. My brother's missus really irks me - so I never talk to her. This is made somewhat easier by the 10,000 miles between us (they live in Australia) but will be tested when he comes over to visit next month. I'll just make sure I palm her off on the wife - who deals with this sort of thing better than me. I find it very difficult to even feign interest when I'm talking to someone who bores/annoys me - and I don't suffer those I consider to be fools gladly. Its one of the reasons I'll never make a good manager - every time I've had to do it in the past, dealing with lazy, stupid or incompetent people gives me ballache.

    It just shows how different we all are. I wouldn't be able to sleep if I was ever that tactless........
  • [cite]Posted By: 1905[/cite]
    It just shows how different we all are. I wouldn't be able to sleep if I was ever that tactless........
    Yep - and I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing I'd bullshitted people to make them feel better. Vive la difference - my wife is the complete opposite to me - very sympathetic, tactful and thoughtful. The world would be a dull place if everyone was the same!
  • edited February 2009
    Unless they were all clowns!
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