Blackadder: Oh, God, God, God! What on earth was I drinking last night? My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it.
Nursie: If you weren't quite so big, it would be time for Mr and Mrs Spank to pay a short sharp trip to Bottieland.
Blackadder: Bloody explorers, ponce off to Mumbo Jumbo land, come home with a tropical disease, a suntan and a bag of brown lumpy things, and Bob's your uncle, everyone's got a picture of them in lavatory.
Blackadder: We live in an age where illness and deformity are commonplace and yet, Ploppy, you are without a doubt the most repulsive individual I have ever met. I would shake your hand but I fear it would come off.
Nursie: Ointment. That's what you need when your head's been cut off. That's what I gave your sister Mary when they done her. 'There, there,' I said. 'You'll soon grow a new one.'
Flashheart: Thanks, Bridesmaid. Like the beard. Gives me something to hang on to.
Blackadder: "Something is always wrong, Balders. The fact that I am not a millionaire aristocrat with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is a constant niggle.
Ambassador: I hate you English. With your boring trousers and your shiny toilet paper and your ridiculous preconceptions that Frenchmen are great lovers. I'm French and I'm hung like a baby carrot and a couple of petits pois.
Blackadder: They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head.
Blackadder: A man may fight for many things. His country, his friends, his principles, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn.
George: 'My head... oh, my head... feels like the time I was initiated into the Silly Buggers Society at Cambridge. I misheard the rules and tried to push a whole aubergine up my earhole.'
Blackadder: 'Personally I thought you were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick, but I'm clearly in a minority.'
Flashheart: 'If word gets out that I'm missing, 500 girls will kill themselves and I wouldn't want them on my conscience - not when they ought to be on my face!'
Red Baron: 'How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing. For us, it is a mundane and functional item. For you it is the basis of an entire culture.'
Blackadder: 'I've no desire to hang around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty minutes' work and then spend the rest of the day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my - hang on...'
Melchett: 'If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through.'
Blackadder to George: 'Somewhere outside Saffron Walden there's an uncle who is seven feet tall with no chin and an Adam's apple that makes him look as if he's constantly trying to swallow a ballcock.'
Melchett: 'If you come back with the information, Captain Darling will pump you thoroughly in the debriefing room.'
Melchett: 'I'll just have to sit this one out on the touchline with the half-time oranges and the fat wheezy boys with a note from matron, while you young bloods link arms for the glorious final scrum down.'
Blackadder: 'Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?'
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Comments
The dugout. Blackadder is sitting in a chair reading a book. A record is
playing softly. Scratching noises are heard.]
Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing out there?
Baldrick: I'm carving something on this bullet sir.
Blackadder: What are you carving?
Baldrick: I'm carving "Baldrick", sir.
Blackadder: Why?
Baldrick: It's a cunning plan actually.
Blackadder: Of course it is.
Baldrick: You see, you know they say that somewhere there's a bullet
with your name on it?
Blackadder: Yes?
Baldrick: Well, I thought if I owned the bullet with my name on it,
I'd never get hit by it, 'cos I won't ever shoot myself.
Blackadder: Oh, shame.
Baldrick: And, the chances of there being two bullets with my name
on them are very small indeed.
Blackadder: That's not the only thing around here that's "very small
indeed". Your brain for example, is so minute, Baldrick,
that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open there
wouldn't be enough inside to cover a small water-biscuit.
[Blackadder, Baldrick and George crawling across no-man's-land.]
Blackadder: All right, total and utter quiet, do you understand? So
for instance if any of us crawl over any barbed wire they
must on no account goaaAAAAAAAAAAHH!
Baldrick: Have you just crawled over some barbed wire sir?
Blackadder: No Baldrick, I just put my elbow in a blob of ice cream.
Baldrick: Oh, that's all right then.
Blackadder: Now, where the hell are we?
George: Well, it's difficult to say, we appear to have crawled
into an area marked with mushrooms.
Blackadder: [patiently] What do those symbols denote?
George: Pfff. That we're in a field of mushrooms?
Blackadder: Lieutenant, that is a military map, it is unlikely to list
interesting flora and fungi. Look at the key and you'll
discover that those mushrooms aren't for picking.
George: Good Lord, you're quite right sir, it says "mine". So,
these mushrooms must belong to the man who made the map.
Blackadder: Either that, or we're in the middle of a mine-field.
Baldrick: Oh dear.
George: So, he owns the field as well?
[Machine-guns fire.]
George: [yelling] THEY'RE FIRING SIR, THEY'RE FIRING.
[The guns stop.]
Blackadder: Ah yes, thank you Lieutenant. If they hit me you'll be
sure to point it out, won't you. Now come on, get on with
your drawing and let's get out of here.
George: Well, surely we ought to wait for the flare sir? You see,
my medium is light.
Blackadder: Just use your imagination for heavens sake. [thinks] Wait
a minute, that's the answer. I can't believe I've been so
stupid.
Baldrick: Yeah, that is unusual, 'cos usually I'm the stupid one.
George: Well, I'm not over-furnished in the brain department.
Blackadder: Well, on this occasion I've been stupidest of all.
George: Oh, now sir! I will not have that! Baldrick and I will
always be more stupid than you. Isn't that right Baldrick?
[standing up] Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Baldrick: Yeah, [standing up also] stupidy, stupidy, stupidy.
[Flares are fired, lighting up George and Baldrick.
Blackadder cowers on the ground.]
George: Stupidest stupids in the whole history of stupidityness.
[Machine-gun fire; Baldrick and George jump down; the guns
stop.]
Blackadder: Finished? I think the obvious point is this: we'll go
straight out to the dugout and do the painting from there.
You do the most imaginative, most exciting possible drawing
of German defences from your imagination.
George: Oh I see, now that is a challenge.
Blackadder: Quite. Come on, let's get out of here.
George: Oh sir, just one thing. If we should happen to tread on a
mine, what do we do?
Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet
into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.
I agree GH. I think that particular series and that particular episode is the best one of the lot. Great comedy juxtaposed with real pathos takes it to a higher level.
Agree GH/Bing - It's hard not to well up watching that last scene.