I was watching a program on TV last night, about a group of anthropologists who travelled across Africa digging up dry river beds looking for artefacts, I'm sorry but I just think that's going from one ex stream to another
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"
"Well, yes, but only once." "Once is all it takes" he replied.
Then the torso came out and it was yellow. "Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?" "Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said. When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian. "Well, yes" she said, "but only once." "Once is all it takes," he said.
He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"
Hey all. Nice to read a couple of jokes on this thread. Can we start a "taken offence at a remark / joke and having a go at each other for ages" thread please. I'm taking no sides but you lot - Take it outside, you're making this place messy. Peace and love.
Hey all. Nice to read a couple of jokes on this thread. Can we start a "taken offence at a remark / joke and having a go at each other for ages" thread please. I'm taking no sides but you lot - Take it outside, you're making this place messy. Peace and love.
Agree although it was a good read for a while. Anyway........
Just lost my job as a dermatologist, I've been handed my E45.
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey boss, I not feel well - I no come work today. I feel sick, my head hurt, my stomach hurt, I not come work." The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything feel better and then I can go work - you try." Two hours later, Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and now I feel great - I be at work soon - you got nice house."
Farmer my man I see your pig has a wooden leg, very strange. Maybe so but that pig saved my life. I fell into the fast flowing river and he dived in and saved me from drowning. We have an unbreakable bond and he is my best friend. Wow, but why the wooden leg. When you have a pig that clever you don't want to eat him all at once.
Northampton Police report finding a man's body in the River Nene, near Becketts Park. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified..
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ‘Milliband for PM’ on 2015 T-shirt.
He also had a cucumber inserted in his rectum.
The police removed the Ed Milliband T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck....."
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked the first patient who was sitting on the floor, what he was doing.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
A bloke decides to have a fancy dress party, but to make it more difficult he tells all his friends to come dressed up as emotions. First to arrive are two Irish mates. One of whom has his cock on a bowl of custard, the other has his cock in a pear. Incredulously the host asks, "what have you two come as"? "Oim fuckin' dis custard" says the first one, "and he's come in dis pear"!
Comments
I'm sorry but I just think that's going from one ex stream to another
"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.
Then the torso came out and it was yellow.
"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"
Doctor: "What are the symptoms?".
Patient: "A cartoon family from America".
It was a Shih Tzu.
Peace and love.
Just lost my job as a dermatologist, I've been handed my E45.
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
I feel sick, my head hurt, my stomach hurt, I not come work."
The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything feel better and then I can go work - you try."
Two hours later, Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and now I feel great - I be at work soon - you got nice house."
Maybe so but that pig saved my life. I fell into the fast flowing river and he dived in and saved me from drowning.
We have an unbreakable bond and he is my best friend.
Wow, but why the wooden leg.
When you have a pig that clever you don't want to eat him all at once.
Police Do Care
Northampton Police report finding a man's body in the River Nene, near Becketts Park. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified..
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ‘Milliband for PM’ on 2015 T-shirt.
He also had a cucumber inserted in his rectum.
The police removed the Ed Milliband T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
Scottish First Minister.
Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur :
" You get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
" You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.”
The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered,
his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
" My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola.
The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whisky,
The wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."
" What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.
" I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."
"So", she says, "Chaleece, can you give me a sentence with the word "handsome" in it?"
Chaleece thinks for a while then says "Well, yesterday, when I was sucking off Jarell my jaw started to ache and I had to use my handsome."
Time Travel.
When do we want it?
It's irrelevant.
a cure for tourettes!
when do we want it?
CUNT!
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.
Call the Pro Claimers NOW
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck....."
drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,
'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'
Earl spits, sips his beer and says,
'Better think it over - - - Women like that are hard to find.'
a cure for alzheimers!
when do we want it?
Who are we?!
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark?"
"Oim fuckin' dis custard" says the first one, "and he's come in dis pear"!
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be due for compensation
Call the Pro Claimers NOW