Old lady names are back in fashion again. Names like Lily or Elsie or Rose. We wanted something like that for our daughter, but we couldn’t decide; so in the end we just called her Nan. I reckon she’ll grow into it.
For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4, this is English humour at its best.
Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United): "That will be ten quid, mate". What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....
The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning..
Scientists recently discovered that beer contains small traces of female hormones. This was proven by giving 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that an astonishing percentage, 100%, started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.”
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!
Comments
There's a first.
Obviously they don’t know that yet.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
" Put some pants on Wayne. If they see that c0ck they'll think you are a child" she said.
this is English humour at its best.
Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the
obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price
of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago
arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United): "That will be
ten quid, mate". What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a
brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"
Same shit, different day, he remarked afterwards
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a
high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do
with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the
middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and
standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who
had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet
him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar
and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator
rises....
The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is
waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to
hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with
waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I
don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we
ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time.
Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
miserable. What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were
campaigning..
Today you voted.
""Sorry sir but we have no seats left"
" Can I just use your toilet then?" I asked.
" Of course sir" he replied.
"Great, I'll have the mixed grill"
Be careful what you buy on eBay.
If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
A friend has just spent £295 on a penis enlarger.
The bastards sent him a magnifying glass.
The only instructions were "Do not use in direct sunlight"
That rules out child abuse then.
Ulkrika- what shall we call ourselves?
Nigel- lets do what ABBA done.
Theresa- bad idea.
"You haven't removed many bras have you?" She asked.
"What gave it away?"
"The scissors mainly" she answered.
Neither of them are on Top Gear anymore.
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.”
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Shame she escaped.
Never mind.
Aye matey.
The barman gives her one.
Unsurprisingly I didn't think of them myself - I'm not very funny. It's something I've got in common with WayneK.