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Jokes..

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Comments

  • WayneK said:

    Gary Glitter looking at 16 years.

    There's a first.

    I reckon the judge had a sick sense of humour and did that deliberately.
  • Whaleoilbeefhooked.

    Feckoffyagobshite
  • Old lady names are back in fashion again. Names like Lily or Elsie or Rose. We wanted something like that for our daughter, but we couldn’t decide; so in the end we just called her Nan. I reckon she’ll grow into it.
  • For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4,
    this is English humour at its best.



    Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the
    obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price
    of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.


    An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago
    arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United): "That will be
    ten quid, mate". What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"

    The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a
    brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"
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  • As I walked into a restaurant last night the manager stopped me and said,

    ""Sorry sir but we have no seats left"

    " Can I just use your toilet then?" I asked.

    " Of course sir" he replied.

    "Great, I'll have the mixed grill"
  • cafcfan said:

    WayneK said:

    I'm such a bad singer that deaf people can't bare to look at my lips when I'm singing.

    Or bear maybe? :blush:
    There their they're, no need for that.

  • Jeremy Clackson sacked by the BBC. He must have done something that even they find inexcusable.

    That rules out child abuse then.
  • Clive- let's form a band.
    Ulkrika- what shall we call ourselves?
    Nigel- lets do what ABBA done.
    Theresa- bad idea.
  • WayneK said:

    Clive- let's form a band.
    Ulkrika- what shall we call ourselves?
    Nigel- lets do what ABBA done.
    Theresa- bad idea.

    Because nobody listens to TUNC, no?
  • I took a girl back to my flat.

    "You haven't removed many bras have you?" She asked.

    "What gave it away?"

    "The scissors mainly" she answered.
  • Scientists recently discovered that beer contains small traces of female hormones. This was proven by giving 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that an astonishing percentage, 100%, started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.
  • What have Whitney Houston and Jeremy Clarkson got in common?

    Neither of them are on Top Gear anymore.
  • WayneK said:

    Clive- let's form a band.
    Ulkrika- what shall we call ourselves?
    Nigel- lets do what ABBA done.
    Theresa- bad idea.

    Because nobody listens to TUNC, no?
    Who?

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  • I was reminiscing about being in my youth yesterday.

    Shame she escaped.


  • WayneK said:

    WayneK said:

    Clive- let's form a band.
    Ulkrika- what shall we call ourselves?
    Nigel- lets do what ABBA done.
    Theresa- bad idea.

    Because nobody listens to TUNC, no?
    Who?

    It was a pun on Eminem lyrics and 'techno'.

    Never mind.
  • A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre.

    The barman gives her one.
  • What did the pirate say when he became an octogenarian?

    Aye matey.

    Told a girl at work.yesterday that she was drawing her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

    A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre.

    The barman gives her one.

    You got the '25 two line gags' email then?
  • No, someone put them on Facebook.

    Unsurprisingly I didn't think of them myself - I'm not very funny. It's something I've got in common with WayneK.

    I've also got a big penis.

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