The 7 dwarves were working in their mine when there was a sudden cave in. After a couple of days digging the rescue team thought they were getting close.
'can anyone hear me?' shouted a rescuer.
'yes, I can' 'Can you tell me who Charlton got in the 4th round of the FA Cup?' came a reply.
The rescuer turned round to the other members fo the team and said 'thank God, at least Dopey is alive'
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. When she asked if she could have a bath the lady of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to she could use a tin wash tub in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night because my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any pubic hair. I take it you have?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her night dress and showed the girl that she possessed a generously endowed pelt.....very generous indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Could you jack off?" she says. "I really feel like shit today."
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said, "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the spot only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, But I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ....
Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in
front of him.
"Marilyn," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete arse of yourself.
You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the Chairman
of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," Dave said. "I could piss on him." "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, fuck him then" said Dave.
"I did", said Marilyn, "You're back at work on Monday .
A mate of mine has been dating twins for the past six months. I asked him how it was going and he said great, sometimes I'm not sure which one's gonna turn up, and the sex is out of this world.
I asked him how he tells them apart and he replied that's easy, Susan's the one with the big tits, and Eric has a beard.
A circus owner ran an advert in the Wanted section for a ‘lion tamer’ and two people showed up. One was a retired teacher in his late-sixties and the other was a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner told them; "I'm not going to sugar coat it, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last trainer so you two had better be good or you're history."
"Here's your equipment," he continued "a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to go first?"
The brunette said "I'll go first." She walked straight past the chair, the whip and the gun and stepped boldly into the cage. The lion immediately began clawing the air and snarling then started to charge her.
As he got close, the brunette threw open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her and started licking her feet and ankles. He continued to lick every inch of her body for several minutes, then purring loudly, lay down and rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw was on the floor! He said; "That's quite amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
He turned to the retired teacher and asked; "Can you top that?" The old teacher replies, "Very possibly – but you'd have to get that lion out of there first."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "urgh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "the driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you".
A chap goes to a 1980s-themed fancy dress party, with a bird of prey sitting on each shoulder. He asks the host if he can borrow his vacuum cleaner. The host agrees, whereupon the chap asks if the lights could be turned off. The bemused host asks the assembled guests, who are agreeable. The chap turns on the vacuum cleaner, pushes it up and down a bit, turns it off and asks for the lights to come on. "Well, who am I? he says. Everyone looks at him, blankly. "OMD. Hawk, Kestrel, man hoovers in the dark".
Stevie Wonder has just finished a sell-out concert in Japan and after the applause had died down, he asks the crowd if there´s anything they´d like him to play.
This little Japanese fellow at the front is jumping up and down, shouting and waving his arms like a madman and Stevie asks him what he´d like him to play.
The Jap shouts,´Pray a jazz chord,´so Stevie belts out a 2-minute solo in F-minor on his piano and the crowd are in raptures.
´No,No!!´he shouts,´Pray a jazz chord, pray a jazz chord!!´
A little bemused, Stevie does a 3 minute impromtu in A-major and gets the crowd rocking.
The little fellow shouts,´No, No!!! I want you to pray a jazz chord.´
Stevie gives in and says,´How does that go, then?´
To which he replies, ´A jazz chord to say I ruv you!´
Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat´s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular genie, however, stated she could only grant them one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving it much thought to the matter, the man blurted out, ´Make the entire ocean into beer!´
Immediately the genie clapped her hands, and, with a deafening crash, and the sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished to her freedom.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke, ´Nice going!!!! ................................Now we´re going to have to pee in the boat!!!´
Comments
After a couple of days digging the rescue team thought they were getting close.
'can anyone hear me?' shouted a rescuer.
'yes, I can'
'Can you tell me who Charlton got in the 4th round of the FA Cup?' came a reply.
The rescuer turned round to the other members fo the team and said 'thank God, at least Dopey is alive'
A. Willie Eckaslike.
"Monday's the best night because my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any pubic hair. I take it you have?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her night dress and showed the girl that she possessed a generously endowed pelt.....very generous indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't."
The boss had to fire somebody, and he
narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both
super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he
would fire the first one who used the water cooler the
next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible
hangover after partying all night. She went to the
cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and
said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have
to lay you or Jack off."
Could you jack off?" she says. "I really feel like
shit today."
Our gig posters looked good, but nobody ever came.
There are lots of frozen cons he said
47 guesses later I got it right.
Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache,
cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in
front of him.
"Marilyn," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete arse of yourself.
You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the Chairman
of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," Dave said. "I could piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, fuck him then" said Dave.
"I did", said Marilyn, "You're back at work on Monday .
"I'll get another round in, " said Van Gaal.
I asked him how he tells them apart and he replied that's easy, Susan's the one with the big tits, and Eric has a beard.
A circus owner ran an advert in the Wanted section for a ‘lion tamer’ and two people showed up. One was a retired teacher in his late-sixties and the other was a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner told them; "I'm not going to sugar coat it, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last trainer so you two had better be good or you're history."
"Here's your equipment," he continued "a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to go first?"
The brunette said "I'll go first."
She walked straight past the chair, the whip and the gun and stepped boldly into the cage. The lion immediately began clawing the air and snarling then started to charge her.
As he got close, the brunette threw open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her and started licking her feet and ankles.
He continued to lick every inch of her body for several minutes, then purring loudly, lay down and rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw was on the floor!
He said; "That's quite amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
He turned to the retired teacher and asked; "Can you top that?"
The old teacher replies, "Very possibly – but you'd have to get that lion out of there first."
A massage in a brothel.
Coat on.
A prostitute.
Buggery- the study of insects
The chicks don't like it.
I looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asked me...... "What the hell does that mean?"
I said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
I replied "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in my eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving my testicles.
This little Japanese fellow at the front is jumping up and down, shouting and waving his arms like a madman and Stevie asks him what he´d like him to play.
The Jap shouts,´Pray a jazz chord,´so Stevie belts out a 2-minute solo in F-minor on his piano and the crowd are in raptures.
´No,No!!´he shouts,´Pray a jazz chord, pray a jazz chord!!´
A little bemused, Stevie does a 3 minute impromtu in A-major and gets the crowd rocking.
The little fellow shouts,´No, No!!! I want you to pray a jazz chord.´
Stevie gives in and says,´How does that go, then?´
To which he replies, ´A jazz chord to say I ruv you!´
To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular genie, however, stated she could only grant them one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving it much thought to the matter, the man blurted out, ´Make the entire ocean into beer!´
Immediately the genie clapped her hands, and, with a deafening crash, and the sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished to her freedom.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke, ´Nice going!!!! ................................Now we´re going to have to pee in the boat!!!´