My fine art and fragrances business has failed. The perfumes sold well, but I didn't really know how to market the paintings I'd bought. I've got more Monet than scents
Two regular drinking friends decide, for a change of scenery, they should have a fun weekend "up North" the following weekend.
Friday comes and they set off in the car and head North. Two thirds of the way there, it starts to snow They continue as far as they can get until it becomes impossible to force the car any further through the blizzard. They come to a halt and one turns to the other and says "we had better look for a place to stay overnight as we will certainly die of hypothermia if we stay in the car". They found themselves in an isolated area so they looked hard for any signs of life. In the darkness they could just see a faint light coming from a large country house. It was the only building they saw. They made their way to the front door and knocked. A voluptuous woman answered and after hearing their story, invited them in. She gave them a sumptuous dinner before they all retired to bed. In the morning, she provided them with a hearty breakfast and then waved them goodbye as they went on their way.
Nine months later, one of the men received a letter from a solicitor.
He phoned his friend and asked, "do you remember that weekend when we went "up North" and got caught in that blizzard?" "Um....yeah" "and do you remember that voluptuous woman who put us up for the night after the car got stuck in the snow?" "Um..............yeah" "Well, did you sleep with her that night?" "Well, um...., um....., well,..........yes I did" "And, did you give her MY name and address?"
"Well, um......., um........,um............ I still feel guily about that and I am very sorry but yes, .....I did. But why are you asking all these questions??"
Well, I have just received a letter from her solicitor to say she has just died and left me all her money.
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!". The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
Two regular drinking friends decide, for a change of scenery, they should have a fun weekend "up North" the following weekend.
Friday comes and they set off in the car and head North. Two thirds of the way there, it starts to snow They continue as far as they can get until it becomes impossible to force the car any further through the blizzard. They come to a halt and one turns to the other and says "we had better look for a place to stay overnight as we will certainly die of hypothermia if we stay in the car". They found themselves in an isolated area so they looked hard for any signs of life. In the darkness they could just see a faint light coming from a large country house. It was the only building they saw. They made their way to the front door and knocked. A voluptuous woman answered and after hearing their story, invited them in. She gave them a sumptuous dinner before they all retired to bed. In the morning, she provided them with a hearty breakfast and then waved them goodbye as they went on their way.
Nine months later, one of the men received a letter from a solicitor.
He phoned his friend and asked, "do you remember that weekend when we went "up North" and got caught in that blizzard?" "Um....yeah" "and do you remember that voluptuous woman who put us up for the night after the car got stuck in the snow?" "Um..............yeah" "Well, did you sleep with her that night?" "Well, um...., um....., well,..........yes I did" "And, did you give her MY name and address?"
"Well, um......., um........,um............ I still feel guily about that and I am very sorry but yes, .....I did. But why are you asking all these questions??"
Well, I have just received a letter from her solicitor to say she has just died and left me all her money.
Two mental patients were walking next to a swimming pool. One jumped into the pool and the other jumped in to save him. Their doctor saw the rescue and called the rescuer to his office. "Due to your actions, it appears your mental state is fine," the doctor said to the patient, "You can go home to your family, but before you do, you should know that the person you saved hung himself today." The patient replied, "He didn't hang himself; I hung him there to dry."
Patient: "Doctor, I went on the internet and bought some cheap steroids, but there's some horrible side effects and I've grown an extra penis". Doctor: "Anabolic"? Patient: "No, just a penis"!
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The perfumes sold well, but I didn't really know how to market the paintings I'd bought.
I've got more Monet than scents
Friday comes and they set off in the car and head North. Two thirds of the way there, it starts to snow
They continue as far as they can get until it becomes impossible to force the car any further through the blizzard.
They come to a halt and one turns to the other and says "we had better look for a place to stay overnight as we will certainly die of hypothermia if we stay in the car".
They found themselves in an isolated area so they looked hard for any signs of life. In the darkness they could just see a faint light coming from a large country house. It was the only building they saw. They made their way to the front door and knocked. A voluptuous woman answered and after hearing their story, invited them in. She gave them a sumptuous dinner before they all retired to bed. In the morning, she provided them with a hearty breakfast and then waved them goodbye as they went on their way.
Nine months later, one of the men received a letter from a solicitor.
He phoned his friend and asked, "do you remember that weekend when we went "up North" and got caught in that blizzard?"
"Um....yeah"
"and do you remember that voluptuous woman who put us up for the night after the car got stuck in the snow?"
"Um..............yeah"
"Well, did you sleep with her that night?"
"Well, um...., um....., well,..........yes I did"
"And, did you give her MY name and address?"
"Well, um......., um........,um............ I still feel guily about that and I am very sorry but yes, .....I did. But why are you asking all these questions??"
Well, I have just received a letter from her solicitor to say she has just died and left me all her money.
We've even got valley parking.
None, they just sit in the dark talking about how good the old one was.
None. Neil Warnock insists the bulb doesn't need changing and has only blown out because it's at Palace, and electricity favours the big teams.
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!".
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it, never saw her once, the lying cow.
She still hasn't come home yet..........................I'm starving.
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Christmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel.
Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his
bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint..
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
To stop themselves interrupting
The barman says, "Oh no, not Yewtree again."
That's just sour grapes.
I worked on London underground for 12 months.
"mind the gap" "mind the gap"
Have you made some of these jokes up yourself?
#sticktothedayjob
Doctor: "Anabolic"?
Patient: "No, just a penis"!
A woman wrote a letter of complaint to her local hospital after her husband lost all interest in sex following a recent operation there.
The hospital replied saying that the operation had been to remove cataracts, and all they had done was to improve his eyesight.
Sometimes, real life is just very funny!