It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50. At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch. The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full Ulster fry: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato Taty bread soda with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you". "I asked him what to give you". He said, "F***him. Give him a fiver." She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. Apple say it's a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
Two Aussie builders (Patrick and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker..
Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Pat: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Pat: - Err... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Pat: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.
Pat - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Pat: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Pat:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Pat: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Pat: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Pat - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
English Stiff Upper Lip: On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that? The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap"
Comments
A professional hospital patient whose career has been cruelly blighted by appearances for Arsenal
Passport Man: Occupation
German: Nah just here on a holiday thanks
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full Ulster fry: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato Taty bread soda with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".
"I asked him what to give you".
He said, "F***him. Give him a fiver."
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
They don't show The Flintstone's on TV in Dubai but Abu Dhabi do !!
Again
England have admitted they may boycott the next World Cup... whilst Wales and Scotland having been boycotting all Major competitions for years
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
Apple say it's a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
E-bola cereal
She really lost the plot
Thanks Colin.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about Sex at that age."
"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
Two Aussie builders (Patrick and Eric) are seated either side of a table in
a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation
of the suit.
Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker..
Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the
better of Pat and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees
that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get
the better of the builder.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what
you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Pat: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Pat: - Err... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?
Pat: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.
Pat - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?
Pat: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married?
Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with
your wife on a regular basis?
Pat:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very
often?
Pat: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Pat: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
your sex life!
Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Pat - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker.
English Stiff Upper Lip: On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME!
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that?
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap"