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Jokes..

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  • Sadie, do you use that advice? :-)

    Anyway, as a sign of my love I tattooed my girlfriend Tola's name on my chest using a mirror.

    I think it says alot.
  • I'm getting increasingly annoyed by people knocking on my door asking for charitable donations so, when a woman from the local sperm bank called recently I gave her a right mouthful.
  • Apologies if they've already been done but Iove the old mummy mummy jokes that went round when we were kids. Only two I can remember.

    "Mummy mummy why do I keep going around in circles?"
    "Shut up or I'll nail the other foot down."

    "Mummy mummy can I play with grandad?"
    I've told you no and if you dig him up again you're in trouble"

  • No matter how hard he tries,Paddy cannot satisfy his wife. They go to the Doc who interviews them and carries out some tests after which he says,' It's actually very straight forward,it seems that Mrs Paddy is overheating during sex;if you install some air-conditioning in the bedroom I'm certain that this will solve the problem.'
    But at home Paddy's having none of it,' Do you know how much air-conditioning costs? F**k that,leave it to me.' Paddy gets his mate round and hands him a towel. 'While I'm doing the missus,you waft this towel up & down and get a breeze going.'
    Paddy gets on his missus & his mate starts wafting the towel. Twenty minutes later-nothing. His mate says,'Look,let's swap,I'll do the missus and you waft the towel.'
    'Alright,' days Paddy. So his mate climbs on Paddy's missus and Paddy starts wafting the towel.
    Within minutes Paddy's missus is screaming in ecstasy and has an earth-shattering multiple orgasm.
    Paddy walks over to his mate & pats him on the back.
    'Now that my son,' he says,
    'Is how to waft a f******g towel.'
  • edited August 2014
    March 2012.Word for word!
    Redskin said:

    No matter how hard he tries,Paddy cannot satisfy his wife. They go to the Doc who interviews them and carries out some tests after which he says,' It's actually very straight forward,it seems that Mrs Paddy is overheating during sex;if you install some air-conditioning in the bedroom I'm certain that this will solve the problem.'
    But at home Paddy's having none of it,' Do you know how much air-conditioning costs? Fuck that,leave it to me.' Paddy gets his mate round and hands him a towel. 'While I'm doing the missus,you waft this towel up & down and get a breeze going.'
    Paddy gets on his missus & his mate starts wafting the towel. Twenty minutes later-nothing. His mate says,'Look,let's swap,I'll do the missus and you waft the towel.'
    'Alright,' days Paddy. So his mate climbs on Paddy's missus and Paddy starts wafting the towel.
    Within minutes Paddy's missus is screaming in ecstasy and has an earth-shattering multiple orgasm.
    Paddy walks over to his mate & pats him on the back.
    'Now that my son,' he says,
    'Is how to waft a fucking towel.'

  • Apologies. I had a feeling it came from here originally some time ago. Discovered it in an old email yesterday so cut and pasted. Funny enough to merit a repeat though!
  • edited August 2014
    Ah, I see;no need for apologies. As you say, worth a repeat.
  • WayneK said:

    Sadie, do you use that advice? :-)

    Anyway, as a sign of my love I tattooed my girlfriend Tola's name on my chest using a mirror.

    I think it says alot.

    My husbands name is Wayne it's not you is it? Lmao!
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  • Convenient names ...
  • What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

    An ambulance.
  • Paddy climbs up to the top board of the swimming baths with a large fish under his arm.

    Murphy shouts up, "what you gonna do with that?"

    Paddy replies, "triple somersault with pike."

  • Simon Church gets injured and has an appointment with the specialist.

    Simon asks the specialist "Will I be able to play football when the injury heals".

    The specialist replies "of course".

    Simons retort was "that's good, because I couldn't play before"!
  • Cat prevents house fire

    WARNING THOSE OF A SENSITIVE DISPOSITION - LOOK AWAY NOW!




    image
  • Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

    The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

    "No!" The duck replies, "What kind of pervert do you take me for?"
  • Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?

    Fo' drizzle.
  • I live near a clay pigeon range, and I'm sick and tired of people knocking my on door to ask for directions to it.
    They want shooting, the lot of them.
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  • Why did the pervert cross the road?

    Because he couldn't get his knob out of the chicken!
  • There was a man who couldn't talk properly and had a few issues in his head. One day he decided to go and by a bun for his lunch so he went to the bakery and said "I need a bum, a bum for lunch." so he got a bun and went to a hardware store to get a bucket "I need a f*cket, a f*cket to hold some water." The man then decide to go to the pet shop to by a cocker spaniel dog he said "i want a cocknstrokeit, a cocknstrokeit dog." As he was messed in the head he decided not to give it a name. When he was walking home with his cocknstrokeit, his f*cket and his bum, his dog ran away and he said to the guy next to him, "Hold my bum and f*cket, while i grab my cocknstrokeit.
  • Sir Roger Moore once tried Viagra, but it didn't work. I wonder if it raised an eyebrow?
  • Not for the easily offended.

    http://youtu.be/ub3Cm0V_Z8w
  • What do Manchester United and Richard the Third have in common?

    They both got buried in Leicester.

  • A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
    "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

    And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and
    asks,
    "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe
    one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

    She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet
    voice,



    "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!"
  • edited September 2014
    Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Whilst incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee and, since there was a nearby graveyard, one of them suggested they squat behind a headstone or something.

    The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. However, her friend was wearing expensive underwear and didn’t want to ruin hers, so she salvaged a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, the two of them made their way home.

    The next day, the first woman’s husband phoned the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties!” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!’
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