I'm getting increasingly annoyed by people knocking on my door asking for charitable donations so, when a woman from the local sperm bank called recently I gave her a right mouthful.
No matter how hard he tries,Paddy cannot satisfy his wife. They go to the Doc who interviews them and carries out some tests after which he says,' It's actually very straight forward,it seems that Mrs Paddy is overheating during sex;if you install some air-conditioning in the bedroom I'm certain that this will solve the problem.' But at home Paddy's having none of it,' Do you know how much air-conditioning costs? F**k that,leave it to me.' Paddy gets his mate round and hands him a towel. 'While I'm doing the missus,you waft this towel up & down and get a breeze going.' Paddy gets on his missus & his mate starts wafting the towel. Twenty minutes later-nothing. His mate says,'Look,let's swap,I'll do the missus and you waft the towel.' 'Alright,' days Paddy. So his mate climbs on Paddy's missus and Paddy starts wafting the towel. Within minutes Paddy's missus is screaming in ecstasy and has an earth-shattering multiple orgasm. Paddy walks over to his mate & pats him on the back. 'Now that my son,' he says, 'Is how to waft a f******g towel.'
No matter how hard he tries,Paddy cannot satisfy his wife. They go to the Doc who interviews them and carries out some tests after which he says,' It's actually very straight forward,it seems that Mrs Paddy is overheating during sex;if you install some air-conditioning in the bedroom I'm certain that this will solve the problem.' But at home Paddy's having none of it,' Do you know how much air-conditioning costs? Fuck that,leave it to me.' Paddy gets his mate round and hands him a towel. 'While I'm doing the missus,you waft this towel up & down and get a breeze going.' Paddy gets on his missus & his mate starts wafting the towel. Twenty minutes later-nothing. His mate says,'Look,let's swap,I'll do the missus and you waft the towel.' 'Alright,' days Paddy. So his mate climbs on Paddy's missus and Paddy starts wafting the towel. Within minutes Paddy's missus is screaming in ecstasy and has an earth-shattering multiple orgasm. Paddy walks over to his mate & pats him on the back. 'Now that my son,' he says, 'Is how to waft a fucking towel.'
Apologies. I had a feeling it came from here originally some time ago. Discovered it in an old email yesterday so cut and pasted. Funny enough to merit a repeat though!
Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."
So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."
The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!
"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'
The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!
"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish ,I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.
"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"
The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.
Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
"No!" The duck replies, "What kind of pervert do you take me for?"
I live near a clay pigeon range, and I'm sick and tired of people knocking my on door to ask for directions to it. They want shooting, the lot of them.
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were talking about screams of passion.
The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Englishman said: That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, y'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
There was a man who couldn't talk properly and had a few issues in his head. One day he decided to go and by a bun for his lunch so he went to the bakery and said "I need a bum, a bum for lunch." so he got a bun and went to a hardware store to get a bucket "I need a f*cket, a f*cket to hold some water." The man then decide to go to the pet shop to by a cocker spaniel dog he said "i want a cocknstrokeit, a cocknstrokeit dog." As he was messed in the head he decided not to give it a name. When he was walking home with his cocknstrokeit, his f*cket and his bum, his dog ran away and he said to the guy next to him, "Hold my bum and f*cket, while i grab my cocknstrokeit.
There was a man who couldn't talk properly and had a few issues in his head. One day he decided to go and by a bun for his lunch so he went to the bakery and said "I need a bum, a bum for lunch." so he got a bun and went to a hardware store to get a bucket "I need a f*cket, a f*cket to hold some water." The man then decide to go to the pet shop to by a cocker spaniel dog he said "i want a cocknstrokeit, a cocknstrokeit dog." As he was messed in the head he decided not to give it a name. When he was walking home with his cocknstrokeit, his f*cket and his bum, his dog ran away and he said to the guy next to him, "Hold my bum and f*cket, while i grab my cocknstrokeit.
Not a joke as such but a true story. I've a mate who has a bad stutter. He contracted a sore throat and went into a Chemist's to buy some Dequacaine Lozenges. There was a very attractive assistant. Graham said "Good morning can I have some D, d, d..." He tried again but still got stuck at D. The assistant, just handed him a packet of Durex. He was too stunned to do anything but pay and walk out.
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the toot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she s**ts on you!"
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Whilst incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee and, since there was a nearby graveyard, one of them suggested they squat behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. However, her friend was wearing expensive underwear and didn’t want to ruin hers, so she salvaged a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, the two of them made their way home.
The next day, the first woman’s husband phoned the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties!” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!’
A man went to Harley Street in London , having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist Assistant. Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate Ahainst the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and Asked the secretary for details. She retrieved the file and read to him: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private Areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.” Then she told him “The annual salary is £100,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen . "My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?". She answered, "No , that's where the end of the queue is..."
Comments
Anyway, as a sign of my love I tattooed my girlfriend Tola's name on my chest using a mirror.
I think it says alot.
"Mummy mummy why do I keep going around in circles?"
"Shut up or I'll nail the other foot down."
"Mummy mummy can I play with grandad?"
I've told you no and if you dig him up again you're in trouble"
No matter how hard he tries,Paddy cannot satisfy his wife. They go to the Doc who interviews them and carries out some tests after which he says,' It's actually very straight forward,it seems that Mrs Paddy is overheating during sex;if you install some air-conditioning in the bedroom I'm certain that this will solve the problem.'
But at home Paddy's having none of it,' Do you know how much air-conditioning costs? F**k that,leave it to me.' Paddy gets his mate round and hands him a towel. 'While I'm doing the missus,you waft this towel up & down and get a breeze going.'
Paddy gets on his missus & his mate starts wafting the towel. Twenty minutes later-nothing. His mate says,'Look,let's swap,I'll do the missus and you waft the towel.'
'Alright,' days Paddy. So his mate climbs on Paddy's missus and Paddy starts wafting the towel.
Within minutes Paddy's missus is screaming in ecstasy and has an earth-shattering multiple orgasm.
Paddy walks over to his mate & pats him on the back.
'Now that my son,' he says,
'Is how to waft a f******g towel.'
The lady behind the counter started singing "Downtown".
I thought what a peculiar clerk.
So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."
The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!
"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'
The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!
"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish ,I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.
"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"
The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.
An ambulance.
Murphy shouts up, "what you gonna do with that?"
Paddy replies, "triple somersault with pike."
Simon asks the specialist "Will I be able to play football when the injury heals".
The specialist replies "of course".
Simons retort was "that's good, because I couldn't play before"!
WARNING THOSE OF A SENSITIVE DISPOSITION - LOOK AWAY NOW!
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
"No!" The duck replies, "What kind of pervert do you take me for?"
Fo' drizzle.
They want shooting, the lot of them.
The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Englishman said: That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, y'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
Because he couldn't get his knob out of the chicken!
http://youtu.be/ub3Cm0V_Z8w
They both got buried in Leicester.
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and
asks,
"Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe
one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet
voice,
"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!"
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. However, her friend was wearing expensive underwear and didn’t want to ruin hers, so she salvaged a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, the two of them made their way home.
The next day, the first woman’s husband phoned the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties!” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!’
their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private Areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”
Then she told him “The annual salary is £100,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen .
"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?". She answered, "No , that's where the end of the queue is..."