I was extremely distressed when I saw a Liverpudlian dressed as Adolf Hitler in my local supermarket at the checkout yesterday. I've never seen a Scouser pay for something before
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
My mates wife just asked him if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.
Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to the other,´I can´t be bothered to walk all the way home.´ ´I know, me too but we haven´t got any money for a cab and we´ve missed the last bus home. We could steal a bus from the Depot,´ replies his mate.
They arrive at the Depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, ´What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?´
¨I can´t find a number 91!´ shouts his mate.
´Oh, for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the number 14 and we´ll walk from the roundabout!´
I got a phone call last night from my credit card company about my wife's card. They said "we believe her card is being used fraudulently". "Yes" I told them "it was stolen three weeks ago". "We shall cancel her card immediately and send a new replacement" they said. "F*** off" I said "the fraudster's spending less than she does"
Invited to a fancy dress party, my mate told his wife "I'm just going to drag-up in a skirt and go as you." "Don't talk daft." She said. "You'll look ridiculous, you fat twat" "Exactly." he repiled
A father with 11 kids decides he is going out for a while and asks his friend to come in and look after the kids. After their dad leaves the kids begin acting up and not behaving for their dad's friend, doing their best to get him to leave. Eventually the kids force their dad's friend out of the house, the eldest child takes over to calm things down until the end of the season when Manchester United begin their search for another manager.
A father with 11 kids decides he is going out for a while and asks his friend to come in and look after the kids. After their dad leaves the kids begin acting up and not behaving for their dad's friend, doing their best to get him to leave. Eventually the kids force their dad's friend out of the house, the eldest child takes over to calm things down until the end of the season when Manchester United begin their search for another manager.
I went into Boots and bought three packets of condoms. The young assistant asked "Would you like a bag for these?" I replied "No, it's ok she's not that ugly"
Comments
I think I'm better than that.
Watson gets home one night to be confronted by Holmes naked and bent over rubbing a citrus between his arse cheeks.
'What the devil' says Watson
Holmes replies 'Lemon entry my dear Watson'.
I've never seen a Scouser pay for something before
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
Fashion for CNUTS
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.
What a cat astra fee.
I used to like looking at farm machinery, but not any more.
An extractor fan
´I know, me too but we haven´t got any money for a cab and we´ve missed the last bus home. We could steal a bus from the Depot,´ replies his mate.
They arrive at the Depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, ´What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?´
¨I can´t find a number 91!´ shouts his mate.
´Oh, for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the number 14 and we´ll walk from the roundabout!´
I thought it was held in August
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren't "Ta-Daa!"
"Yes" I told them "it was stolen three weeks ago".
"We shall cancel her card immediately and send a new replacement" they said.
"F*** off" I said "the fraudster's spending less than she does"
"Don't talk daft." She said. "You'll look ridiculous, you fat twat"
"Exactly." he repiled
That should raise a few eyebrows.
After receiving 4 million for being a complete failure, he'll be running a bank in no time.
The young assistant asked "Would you like a bag for these?" I replied "No, it's ok she's not that ugly"
First drink!!
I took my son out for his first pint.
Got him a Fosters.He didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky
I could hardly push the bloody pram.
I said that's not easy to live with is it?
He said not that easy, but it's not hard.
Anfield Rd, Liverpool L4 0TH
0151 260 6677
Well, let's just say a little bird told me.