Since it started raining this winter, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really attractive Thai bird. I thought to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection".
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really attractive Thai bird. I thought to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection".
But she did.
Please read before posting. That could well be the third appearance of that joke on this thread.
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really attractive Thai bird. I thought to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection".
But she did.
Please read before posting. That could well be the third appearance of that joke on this thread.
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
Bounty hunter said to the sherriff are there any hombres you need rounding up. There is one he is called the paper kid. He has a paper hat, paper trousers and paper boots. What is he wanted for. Rustling.
Magistrate about to give sentence asked the defendant if he had anything to say: 'Fuck all your worship' said the man in the dock 'What did he say ?' said the magistrate to the clerk of the court 'Fuck all' replied the clerk 'Are you sure ?' said the magistrate, 'I'm sure I saw his lips move'
That reminds me of a supposedly true story about a police officer who had been having a particularly difficult day in a traffic court with a magistrate. He'd been cross examined by the beak to the nth degree and had reached the end of his tether. His last case of the day was about a car that was unfit to be on the road. Lights not working, bald tyres etc and the magistrate was asking for every detail. The officer referred to his notebook and said that there was also a hole in the exhaust. How big was the hole?" "Fucking enormous your worship."
Q: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? A: He worked it out with a pencil.
A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation. "I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!" "Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane." "So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!" "Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight." "And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?" "You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?" "You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!"
Comments
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
"Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection".
But she did.
And let's face it, not many of us want to do a search for "Thai bird with erection".
She touched my willy and I turned into a lay-by.
'Kin £8 for popcorn and coke!!!
One says, "I've never come this way before."
The other says, "Neither have I. I think we've got a puncture."
I said, "I'm not, it's just a coincidence that we've walked the same way."
She said, "Get out of my house."
A labracadabrador.
Must remind myself to read the previous 57 pages before posting any more jokes
There is one he is called the paper kid. He has a paper hat, paper trousers and paper boots.
What is he wanted for.
Rustling.
I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.
'Fuck all your worship' said the man in the dock
'What did he say ?' said the magistrate to the clerk of the court
'Fuck all' replied the clerk
'Are you sure ?' said the magistrate, 'I'm sure I saw his lips move'
How big was the hole?"
"Fucking enormous your worship."
A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation. "I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!" "Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane." "So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!" "Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight." "And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?" "You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?" "You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!"