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Jokes..

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  • A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese man that says, "Use more soap on panties."

    This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. "Use more soap on panties."

    Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."
  • Alex Fergusons horse recently won him a large amount of money the horse was called v-neck

    apparantley its a good jumper!
  • What's the difference between Thierry Henry and Lenny Henry?



    Thierry Henry is stil f**king French
  • Cliff Richard meets a Chinese guy who says 'harro Criff, i your biggest fan'

    'Thanks' say Cliff

    Chinese man says 'my favourite song is called Itchy Sore Fanny'

    'I'm sorry but I didn't record a song called Itchy Sore Fanny' says Cliff.

    'Sure you did Criff, it goes Itchy Sore Fanny how we dont talk anymore'
  • I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

    We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

    I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

    "Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

    "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

    She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

    "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

    She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

    She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

    Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

    So I told her to f*** off.
  • Yorkshireman at the vet’s: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

    Vet: "Is it a tom?

    Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi me."
  • A woman is in a lift, the door opens on the 3rd floor and a midget gets in. Can I smell your feet says the midget to the woman. No way says the woman angrily, oh says the midget..must be your fanny then.
  • I had a trial at London Wasps the other day, but I only made the Bee Team.
  • My mate's a insomniac, agnostic dyslexic.

    He lies awake all night wondering if there's a dog.
  • BBC News: Dragons' Den star James Caan has called on people to donate more aid for the victims of Pakistan's floods.

    An interesting pitch, James, but I'm not sure I'm ever going to see a return on my investment, so I wish you the best of luck with it, but... I'm OUT.
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  • Was driving along today, somebody threw a load of grated cheese at my car.

    I thought- thats Mature!
  • Two scots Archie & Jimmy, are discussing
    Jimmy's wedding.

    "Och, it's all goin' brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin'
    sorted, the fluers, church, cuars, reception, rings, meenister, even ma stag night".

    Archie nods approvingly.

    "I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

    "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "You'll look smairt. Whit's the tartan?"

    "Och," says Jimmy, "she'll be in white!"
  • I managed to persuade a friend to cup his hands together as I poured boiling hot tea into them. What a mug.
  • So I woke up this morning and smiled at the wife. I said 'I can't get over a girl like you...'











    'Can you get up and make me a cup of tea'
  • Got home the other night and the wife said notice anything different?

    New shade of lipstick says I?

    No she says, I'm wearing a gas mask.
  • Santa was sat talking to his head elf, 'You know, I'm starting to get fed up. Every year I have to put on this stupid red & white suit, do all the work, I look a right twat, and then I end up with nothing.'

    The elf replies,' Oh well, now you know how Darren Bent feels.'
  • my racing snail stopped winning races, so i removed his shell to make him more aerodynamic. but he is more sluggish now.
  • Just been watching a lesbian porn 3D Blu-ray on my HD TV.

    For added effect I put 2 open cans of tuna on the radiator, it's like I'm in the room!
  • A man found drowned in the thames wearing a palace shirt, womans underwear, fish net stockings and a sex toy rammed up his rear end. police call to him through microphone 'please remove your palace shirt to save your family any emmbaressment.'

    little boy tells social worker 'dont want to live with my mum and dad because they beat me.'
    social worker: 'who do you want to live with'
    boy: 'the welsh rugby team as they dont beat anyone'


    both of them was from jack dee text messages at live at the apollo. first one i changed a little
  • i've been banned from B&Q for life when one of there assistants asked me for decking and I broke his nose
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  • lineswoman Sian Massey has been given a new nickname " Just for men"


    She was only used once and the gray is gone
  • 2 oaps are enjoying sex together, the old man says "i am sorry love i cant stay down here for long it stinks",

    the old lady replies " Sorry thats my arthritis"

    "Arthritis in your fanny well i never" says the old man

    "NO"says the old lady

    "The arthritis is in my shoulder i cant wipe my arse"
  • My mates shagging twins who both like it in he wrong un

    " How do you tell them apart" i asked


    "Ones got massive titts and the Dereks got a moustache" he replied
  • Mate.. Blimey. Pmsl.
  • Whats west ham and heather mills got in common? 2nd leg is just for show.
  • i am here all night got loads more just going to put the buby to bed and i will be back
  • 3 mice in a pub having a heavy discussion on who is the hardest


    1st mouse says he is " i go up to the moustraps rip off the cheese and as the bar comes down i bench press it 20 times"

    2nd mouse says i am harder than that "i get the rat posion crush it into powder and then snort it up my nose"

    3rd mouse finishes his drink and goes to walk out


    "Where the F**k are you going" say the other 2


    me " i am going home to F**k the cat" he replies
  • Sometimes you just cant win

    i thought i would be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady



    2 mins later she said


    " will you F**k off i am trying to have a shit"
  • My mum told me that I smelt really bad today.

    I said, "Yeah, I had a dump this morning and there was no bog roll."

    She said, "Ugh, so you're walking round with a shitty bumhole?"

    I said, "No, shitty hands."
  • Keep 'em coming, these are great. :-)
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