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Jokes..

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  • Just heard this on Radio 2,

    What did the hat say to the bra?

    "you give these two a lift, and I'll go on ahead"
  • Where does a cat go if it loses its tail?

    A retail store....
  • [cite]Posted By: DA9[/cite]Just heard this on Radio 2,

    What did the hat say to the bra?

    "you give these two a lift, and I'll go on ahead"


    Wogan at his best...
  • It seems Suggs is marching against racism and homophobia.
    I mean, it's just Madness gone politically correct.
  • [cite]Posted By: Carter[/cite]The battery is now about to run out on the laptop so I will do the rest tomorrow.

    Don't get that one either :-)
  • [cite]Posted By: Covered End[/cite]
    [cite]Posted By: Carter[/cite]The battery is now about to run out on the laptop so I will do the rest tomorrow.

    Don't get that one either :-)


    That wasnt a joke, his post before was however the start of the worlds longest and worst joke, ever.
  • Yes I did know hence the smiley.
  • man says to his wife, had wet dream bout u last nite,she says really,he says yes u got hit by a bus and i pissed myself laughin


    Had a wank over my ex girlfriend last nite,.............i know its wrong but i still have a key and shes a heavy sleeper
  • * TEXT MESSAGE *

    Can 1 of yous guys pick me up at the hospital at 5 o'clock; I've had alittle accident.
    I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning. Instructions said "Take off top, and push up bottom".
    Still in casualty at the moment.
  • Sponsored links:


  • awww, c'mon.
    It wasn't that bad, was it ?
  • What sort of biscuits can fly?
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    Plane ones
  • mog best joke on here mate!
  • Went into the chemist yesterday and saw some geezer looking very white and "holding" onto the wall. "Whats wrong with him" I sez. The chemist said "He came in for cough syrup, but we'd run out,so I gave him an entire box of laxitives". "Pratt", I sez, "You can't treat a cough with laxitives".

    "of course you can" says the chemist, "Look at him now. He's afraid to cough".


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    Gentle pronounciation note to Prince Harry from me, as he prepares for his helicopter training course.
    Its Apache.
  • What kind of bee carries milk?

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    the Boobie
  • edited January 2009
    [cite]Posted By: miserableold-ish git[/cite]Went into the chemist yesterday and saw some geezer looking very white and "holding" onto the wall. "Whats wrong with him" I sez. The chemist said "He came in for cough syrup, but we'd run out,so I gave him an entire box of laxitives". "Pratt", I sez, "You can't treat a cough with laxitives".

    "of course you can" says the chemist, "Look at him now. He's afraid to cough".




    ______________________________________________________________________________________



    Classic P - Love it!
  • [quote][cite]Posted By: miserableold-ish git[/cite]Went into the chemist yesterday and saw some geezer looking very white and "holding" onto the wall. "Whats wrong with him" I sez. The chemist said "He came in for cough syrup, but we'd run out,so I gave him an entire box of laxitives". "Pratt", I sez, "You can't treat a cough with laxitives".

    "of course you can" says the chemist, "Look at him now. He's afraid to cough".


    ______________________________________________________________________________________


    Gentle pronounciation note to Prince Harry from me, as he prepares for his helicopter training course.
    Its Apache.[/quote]
  • Knock knock,
    Who's there?
    Boo!
    Boo hoo?
    Why are you crying, its only a joke!


    Knock knock,
    Who's there?
    Alison
    Alison who?
    Alison to the radio!



    Knock knock,
    Who's there?
    Olive,
    Olive who?
    Olive here, so let me in!!
  • This Charlton sitution is getting worse, and now, even me and Mrs.MOG are rowing over every little thing.
    During a major barney last night I told her "When you die,I'm getting you a headstone that reads "Here lies My Wife-Cold as ever!"".
    "yeah?" she replied "When you die I'm getting a headstone that says "Here lies my husband-Stiff at last !".
  • What have Chelsea FC got in common with Sharon Watts ?
    They've both been screwed by Phil and Grant.
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  • [cite]Posted By: miserableold-ish git[/cite]This Charlton sitution is getting worse, and now, even me and Mrs.MOG are rowing over every little thing.
    During a major barney last night I told her "When you die,I'm getting you a headstone that reads "Here lies My Wife-Cold as ever!"".
    "yeah?" she replied "When you die I'm getting a headstone that says "Here lies my husband-Stiff at last !".

    Mog wrong category this is the Jokes catagory.... You need he Jeremy Kyle Catagory

    ;o)
  • A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks,and only 3 survive : Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
    They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing whats natural for men & women to do.
    After several years of casual sex,all of the time,Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
    She felt that having sex with Damian & Darren was so bad she killed herself.
    It was tragic,but Dareen and Damien managed to get through it and, after a while,nature once more took its inevitable course.



    Sorry, you heard this one before ?




    Well, acouple more years went by and Damian & Darren began to feel absolutely disgusted about what they were doing.

    So, they buried Dierdre.
  • BOB & THE BLONDE


    Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

    The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.


    The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

    Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

    The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

    Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"


    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

    The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."


    Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

    The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

    Bob took the money...
  • NOAH TODAY


    In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah,
    Who was now living in England and said:
    "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
    -populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
    "Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
    Along with a few good humans."
    He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
    "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
    Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

    Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
    Weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
    "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
    Where is the Ark?"
    "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

    "I needed a Building Permit."









    "I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
    About the need for a sprinkler system."








    "My neighbours claim that I've violated the
    Neighbourhood Bye-Laws by building the Ark in my
    Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
    Go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."








    "Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
    Lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
    Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
    That the sea would be coming to us, but they would
    Hear nothing of it."








    "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
    On cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
    "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
    Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"








    "When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
    Confining wild animals against their will. They
    Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
    It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
    A confined space."








    "Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
    On your proposed flood."








    "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
    Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
    Supposed to hire for my building crew."








    "Immigration are checking the
    Visa status of most of the people who want to work."








    "The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
    Insist I have to hire only Union workers with
    Ark-building experience."








    "To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
    With endangered species."








    "So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
    Years for me to finish this Ark."










    "Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
    And a rainbow stretched across the sky."









    Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
    "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

    "No," said the Lord.
    " Gordon Brown and the Government beat me to it."
  • Jesus. Where did you get that from, the Daily Mail?
  • [cite]Posted By: Heath Hero[/cite]Jesus. Where did you get that from, the Daily Mail?
    That is far more funnier than the joke!
  • [cite]Posted By: Friend Or Defoe[/cite]
    [cite]Posted By: Heath Hero[/cite]Jesus. Where did you get that from, the Daily Mail?
    That is far more funnier than the joke!

    I apologise, sent to me from a typical daily mail reader, so probably...
  • 2 Footballs walk into a Pub, and the 1st one says to the 2nd one "You're round".
  • [cite]Posted By: Miserableold-ish git[/cite]2 Footballs walk into a Pub, and the 1st one says to the 2nd one "You're round".



    aaaaargh!
  • [quote][cite]Posted By: Miserableold-ish git[/cite]2 Footballs walk into a Pub, and the 1st one says to the 2nd one "You're round".[/quote]
    *Bashes head against the table*

    No! No! no!
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