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Jokes..

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  • I know what women really want.

    A bigger wardrobe and the heating turned up!
  • Men do listen....

    A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
    On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
    Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
    Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
    He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"
    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
    "I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"
    The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
  • This week’s winner of the “give an old joke a home” prize but it is a classic. 
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  • I rang up my local swimming baths.

    I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"

    The lady said " It depends where you are calling from"
  • stevec said:
    I rang up my local swimming baths.

    I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"

    The lady said " It depends where you are calling from"
    I went down the station and asked for a return ticket. He said where to? I said back here you twat. Tish boom..
  • asked in the bookshop if they had the new one about sexual innuendo. 


    She said "I can get it in for you."

  • Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila, about to throw herself off.

    Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

    Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "Ya got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill myself."

    Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this and wells up with emotion.

    Composing himself, he replies, "Strewth Sheila, not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too."
  • I asked in my local HMV store, "Where do you keep the Terminator DVDs?" The reply ... "Aisle B, back".
  • stevec said:
    I rang up my local swimming baths.

    I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"

    The lady said " It depends where you are calling from"
    I phoned up Boots and asked, "can you deliver incontinence pants my house"?

    They said, "where are you ringing from"?

    So I told them, "from the waist down"!
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  • Some girls don't like to walk in the rain because it puts their face back to factory settings!
  • A friend of mine just told me that she's got swelling on her arse, legs and boobs...

    I thought, 'Whoa. Too much inflammation!'
  • Solidgone said:

    asked in the bookshop if they had the new one about sexual innuendo. 


    She said "I can get it in for you."

    Dr Patricia Smythe, my English lecturer at uni, asked for an example of innuendo.

    I said "I'll give you one."
  • I keep getting the urge to purchase a big white bear from the Arctic. My doctor says I may have 'Buy Polar' disorder.
  • "Mummy, Johnny's standing on the chair again licking all the currants off the sticky paper".


  • In the props department of the Royal Shakespeare Company it was noted that the skull used in their productions of Hamlet was that of a woman. 
    A lass poor Yorick.
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