A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, than while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It is the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They consider just lying down and waiting for the inevitable when all of a sudden one says, "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee," replies Pepe.
So with renewed strength they struggle off up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture. There's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree," cries Luis.
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget," asks Pepe.
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!" exclaims Luis.
And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within five metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. "Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" he splutters.
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first and then you."
At Breakfast Mum asks the 7 year old what he wants.
"Coco Pops, bitch"
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old... "and what do YOU want?"
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1,500!" she cried,"£1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £1,500!
Comments
Rick Astley really struggles with lent...
Medieval Torture equipment
If interested hurry while stocks last
I said I don’t know that one but could have a fair crack at Bohemian Rhapsody.
*apologies if already done
I've just invented a new word.
Plagiarism
I once asked Freddie Mercury how many cakes he's gonna make.
He replied, 'I want to bake three'.
Apparently, up until the age of ten, Sean Connery's son thought Humpty Dumpty shat on a wall.....
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. . This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint ... and it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, than while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It is the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why Politicians are where they are!
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee," replies Pepe.
So with renewed strength they struggle off up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture. There's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree," cries Luis.
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget," asks Pepe.
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!" exclaims Luis.
And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within five metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. "Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" he splutters.
"Luis, Luis mi amigo. What ees eet?" asks Pepe.
"Pepe, ees not a bacon tree, ees a ham bush!"
"You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first and then you."
At Breakfast Mum asks the 7 year old what he wants.
"Coco Pops, bitch"
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old... "and what do YOU want?"
"Dunno, but I'm not having fucking Coco Pops."
"Who can make a sentence with the word 'contagious'?"
Little Johnny threw up his hand excitedly.
"Yes, Johnny?"
"My dad saw our neighbour painting his fence with a little brush, and said it'll take the contageous!"
I said, "It's not clever is it?"
She said, "No dad, it wasn't. It was cunt!"
As soon as I did, she screamed...
I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first!
Unable to LOL at work , but a genuine LOL at the office made everyone look round !
Critics said the sentence did not go far enough.
I’m currently in a game of scrabble with Midge Ure. I only have 4 letters left.
OVNR
But they mean nothing to me
If you don't know the difference between "there", "their" and '"they're" then your an idiot !!!
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I said, ‘Do you come from a LAN down under?’