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Jokes..

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  • When I told my Mrs I was looking at flights on the internet, she got very excited!

    Which was odd as she's never shown an interest in darts before.
  • They say the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

    So I poke the mrs and say put the kettle on fatty.
  • sarge1g said:

    Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

    A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of Artie. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

    The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

    A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the store manager stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle him as well.

    Unbeknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

    Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

    The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

    "Artie chokes 2 for £1.00 at Tesco"

    Who would have thought a joke about mass murder could be so weak!.
  • Halix said:

    sarge1g said:

    Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

    A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of Artie. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

    The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

    A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the store manager stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle him as well.

    Unbeknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

    Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

    The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

    "Artie chokes 2 for £1.00 at Tesco"

    Who would have thought a joke about mass murder could be so weak!.
    And very very old!

  • Being a little nervous and pretty embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, I took the recommendation of a colleague and decided to have it done while I was visiting friends in San Francisco.
    He said the San Francisco nurses are knock-out beautiful, and they are much more gentle.

    As I lay naked on my side on the table, a gorgeous nurse began my procedure. She leaned down near to my ear and said gently, "Now don't worry, at this stage of the procedure, it's quite normal to get an erection."

    "I don't have an erection," I replied.
    "I do," replied the nurse.
  • sarge1g said:

    Being a little nervous and pretty embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, I took the recommendation of a colleague and decided to have it done while I was visiting friends in San Francisco.
    He said the San Francisco nurses are knock-out beautiful, and they are much more gentle.

    As I lay naked on my side on the table, a gorgeous nurse began my procedure. She leaned down near to my ear and said gently, "Now don't worry, at this stage of the procedure, it's quite normal to get an erection."

    "I don't have an erection," I replied.
    "I do," replied the nurse.

    Isnt the joke Thailand?
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  • CAFCsayer said:

    sarge1g said:

    Being a little nervous and pretty embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, I took the recommendation of a colleague and decided to have it done while I was visiting friends in San Francisco.
    He said the San Francisco nurses are knock-out beautiful, and they are much more gentle.

    As I lay naked on my side on the table, a gorgeous nurse began my procedure. She leaned down near to my ear and said gently, "Now don't worry, at this stage of the procedure, it's quite normal to get an erection."

    "I don't have an erection," I replied.
    "I do," replied the nurse.

    Isnt the joke Thailand?
    That’s a bum joke
  • Following the most important vote in parliament last night, one that affects everyone in the UK for generations to come, the Daily Star decided to run with this.

    image
  • Following the most important vote in parliament last night, one that affects everyone in the UK for generations to come, the Daily Star decided to run with this.

    image

    I fully agree with the sentiment of your post, but it's possible we're being a bit harsh on the Daily Star. Perhaps, in a rare display of shrewdness, they have recognised that their publication is probably not the best place for people to go for incite and opinion on Brexit, and are doing their bit to steer them towards alternative publications. Be good if The Sun followed suit.
  • Alcohol, you promised me I'd be smarter, classier, and a hell of a better dancer.

    I've seen the videos. We need to have a little chat.
  • edited January 2019
    Norfolk Police Chief refused to comment today on rumours that a ghostly, young female apparition was seen laughing near the scene of a road accident.
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  • I received a flyer on anger management the other day.

    I lost it.
  • I've been sleeping really badly lately. Turns out my memory foam mattress has dementia.
  • I had a go in one of the driver less cars last week. Bloody thing stopped at every zebra crossing, every set of lights then I realised it was a courtesy car.
  • My wife came into my shed yesterday and said, "You're wasting your time and money on all these inventions!"

    It was at this point that the Slap-A-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own!
  • Theresa May was having her weekly meeting with the Queen, telling her about the bad week she has had, the Queen said shall I get Phillip to drive you home?
  • I was an hour late for my train today, but luckily when I reached the station, it was still there...

    The people must have wondered, "Where the fuck is the driver?"
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