A nun, getting into a taxi, notices that the very handsome taxi driver won’t stop looking at her so asks him why he is staring.
He replies, "I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you."
The nun answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. In my calling, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well," replies the taxi driver, "I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun."
The nun responds, "Well, that would be okay as long as you are single and Catholic."
The taxi driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and I'm a Catholic!"
"Okay," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush, but when they get back on the road, the taxi driver starts sobbing.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why on earth are you crying?"
The taxi driver sobs, "Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun replies, "That’s okay. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"
Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose, managing to bag six.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Very reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were eventually loaded.
The plane took off but, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I'm not sure, but I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Frank and Fiona were making passionate love in Frank's van when suddenly Fiona, who was a bit on the kinky side, and having just read "50 Shades Of Grey", yells out, "Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
Frank, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, but not having any whips to hand, in a flash of inspiration opens the side window, snaps the radio antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona furiously, until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and are, in fact, starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor for advice. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you, by any chance, get these marks while having sex?"
Fiona, a little too embarrassed that she had even had sex with Frank, let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits, "Yes Doctor, I may have."
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen!"
She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look alright."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
I asked this girl in a pub if I could weigh her breasts. She looked at me a bit strange but said yes, so I took one each hand and had a good fondle whilst exclaiming "Wa-hay".
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in saving a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
He set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, buying the paint and, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine substitute.
Eventually, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away with the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried, "Oh, God, oh God, forgive me. What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice replied, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
A Scottish couple took in a 22 year old female student as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire on account of the cold. "Monday would be the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains, so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, when the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said.... "but the bloody darts team hadn't!
At a wedding ceremony, the vicar stated that if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom it was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a beautiful young woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the altar.
Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride threw the bouquet at the groom and burst out crying. The groom's mother fainted. The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The vicar asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
There was absolute silence in the church as the woman replied, "Can you speak up? We can't hear at the back."
A sweet old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He eats a few and asks her why she isn’t having any herself. "Oh they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.” "Why did you buy them all then?" wonders the driver. “You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!"
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now Paddy, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished." The Irishman nodded in acknowledgement.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. Suddenly, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so, with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
The trainer exclaimed, "And that's what finished him off?"
The wrestler replied, "Not really. You'd be amazed at the adrenaline rush and how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."
Went to see the psychologist . She asked “Do any sounds irritate you?” “Real or imaginary?” I inquired. “Let’s go with imaginary” She said curiously. “A spider wearing flip flops” I replied.
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked more like a Sumo wrestler than woman.
I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
A man returns home early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While on his way back from the airport, he asks the taxi driver if he would be a witness because he suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For £100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks down the duvet and there is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, also totally nude.
The husband grabs the man by the throat threatening to pummel the life out of him.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money!"
Pointing at her lover, she continues, "He paid for the Porsche I gave you and for your 25 foot Ranger Fishing Boat. He also paid for your football season tickets, our timeshare in Mauritius, your golf club membership and your new 4X4. He pays for our gym and spa memberships and he even pays our monthly bills. In fact, because of him, I can put an extra £2,000 in our savings account each month."
Shaking his head from side to side, the husband releases his grip on the man's neck. He looks over at the cabby and asks, "What would you do?"
The cabby replies, "I'd cover him with the duvet before he catches a cold."
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean
all go to a nightclub ..............
The doorman stops them and says sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.
Comments
A nun, getting into a taxi, notices that the very handsome taxi driver won’t stop looking at her so asks him why he is staring.
He replies, "I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you."
The nun answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. In my calling, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well," replies the taxi driver, "I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun."
The nun responds, "Well, that would be okay as long as you are single and Catholic."
The taxi driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and I'm a Catholic!"
"Okay," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush, but when they get back on the road, the taxi driver starts sobbing.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why on earth are you crying?"
The taxi driver sobs, "Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun replies, "That’s okay. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"
God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Very reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were eventually loaded.
The plane took off but, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I'm not sure, but I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Frank, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, but not having any whips to hand, in a flash of inspiration opens the side window, snaps the radio antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona furiously, until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and are, in fact, starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor for advice. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you, by any chance, get these marks while having sex?"
Fiona, a little too embarrassed that she had even had sex with Frank, let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits, "Yes Doctor, I may have."
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen!"
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
He set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, buying the paint and, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine substitute.
Eventually, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away with the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried, "Oh, God, oh God, forgive me. What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice replied, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
You sheet metal.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire on account of the cold.
"Monday would be the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains, so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, when the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the bloody darts team hadn't!
Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride threw the bouquet at the groom and burst out crying. The groom's mother fainted. The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The vicar asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
There was absolute silence in the church as the woman replied, "Can you speak up? We can't hear at the back."
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
He answered "I can't complain"
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. Suddenly, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so, with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
The trainer exclaimed, "And that's what finished him off?"
The wrestler replied, "Not really. You'd be amazed at the adrenaline rush and how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."
She asked “Do any sounds irritate you?”
“Real or imaginary?” I inquired.
“Let’s go with imaginary” She said curiously.
“A spider wearing flip flops” I replied.
I've been diagnosed with
old langxiety.
Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.
"Are you having a crisis?"
But Jesus, I wouldn't be seen dead in some of those coffins.
exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have
either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a
large unfriendly woman who looked more like a Sumo wrestler than woman.
I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE.
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to
look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered
quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR
THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause!
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks down the duvet and there is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, also totally nude.
The husband grabs the man by the throat threatening to pummel the life out of him.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money!"
Pointing at her lover, she continues, "He paid for the Porsche I gave you and for your 25 foot Ranger Fishing Boat. He also paid for your football season tickets, our timeshare in Mauritius, your golf club membership and your new 4X4. He pays for our gym and spa memberships and he even pays our monthly bills. In fact, because of him, I can put an extra £2,000 in our savings account each month."
Shaking his head from side to side, the husband releases his grip on the man's neck. He looks over at the cabby and asks, "What would you do?"
The cabby replies, "I'd cover him with the duvet before he catches a cold."
Her mum recently asked me if I had ever been to bed with mum and daughter. I said I hadn't, but would like to give it a go.
She said 'That's good, cos my mum's coming down for the weekend, she'll be up for it.'
all go to a nightclub ..............
The doorman stops them and says sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.