Young lad walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "I need a pack of 3 condoms please".
The pharmacist replies "Are you really going to need 3?"
The lad smugly says "I've got a meal at my girlfriends tonight and I think her mum and sister are both well up for it so I'm going to smash all three of them - they're well fit".
That night the young guy is sat at the dinner table with his girlfriend and her mum and sister when the dad comes in to join them.
The young lad starts to say grace and it goes on for five minutes.
His girlfriend says "Wow, I didn't know you were so religious!"
The lad replies "Yeah, well I didn't know your dad was a fucking pharmacist"
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
An escaped convict breaks into a house to look for money. Inside, he finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair and his wife to the bed. He then gets on top of her, kisses her neck, gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."
Not a joke, but we went to see Queen movie. A bloke came in after it started and walked around the front and I was the ONLY ONE to sing ''I see a little silhouetto of a man..''
That's not to bad then. When I recorded the joke about the Queens horse farting in the Mall it was pointed out to me that the joke was around in Queen Victoria's time and old even then. First time I had heard this particular joke of sarge's by the way.
Just thought I'd nip over to my grandma's, and fair play to her, at 93, she had all the halloween decorations up, cobwebs and live insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch...
She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer. I'll pop back next week!
Comments
"Take That's first Album had a four word title, the first two words were, "Take That, what were the second two?"
After a lengthy silence a wee Glesga man stands up and says.." was it.. Ya Bastard?"
Your cocks go black.
My legs are fine but he’s up there having sex with my wife.
A hoarse radish
Vernon said, "We asked one hundred people to name something you mix into an alcoholic beverage?"
You said, "Rohypnol, our survey said..."
The police now want a word!
ME: [wearing full scuba gear] there appears to have been a misunderstanding...
Me (an intellectual, can simplify fractions): your wife is a 1
I went to my first yodelling lesson last week.
The receptionist said: "If you're here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue."
The pharmacist replies "Are you really going to need 3?"
The lad smugly says "I've got a meal at my girlfriends tonight and I think her mum and sister are both well up for it so I'm going to smash all three of them - they're well fit".
That night the young guy is sat at the dinner table with his girlfriend and her mum and sister when the dad comes in to join them.
The young lad starts to say grace and it goes on for five minutes.
His girlfriend says "Wow, I didn't know you were so religious!"
The lad replies "Yeah, well I didn't know your dad was a fucking pharmacist"
I said “is that a fret?”
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says: " I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!'
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill. "No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them. "What are they?" he says.
"Viagra," says the dentist.
Heck," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."
[in the forest]
ME: OMG, there’s a wolf
WIFE: Where?
ME: No, the regular kind
A bloke came in after it started and walked around the front and I was the ONLY ONE to sing ''I see a little silhouetto of a man..''
I heard this for the 1st time about 10 years ago
She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer. I'll pop back next week!
I said, "What have you come as?"
He said, "A werewolf."
I said, "But you haven't got a costume on you're just in normal clothes."
He said, "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead!"
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table,
I said to her, "Good legs".
The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so ".
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now".
***********************************************************************
"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
**************************************************************
Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me that loud I nearly fell in.