I thought my new girlfriend, might be the one. But after looking through her knicker draw and finding a nurse's uniform, a French maids outfit and a police woman's uniform,I decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.
While golfing, a handsome senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon. A very attractive female golfer in her early 40's, who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"
"Yes thanks," he replied as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa and rest for a while, and I’ll help you with the cart later."
The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. He was weak. "Well, okay then," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open suggesting what was on offer. "Stay for a while longer. Your wife won’t know anything about it. By the way, where is she?"
A Poodle and a German Shepherd are sitting on the floor in the vets. The Shepherd turns to the Poodle and says “what you in for you don’t look ill”
The Poodle says “my master and misstress went out the other night and left me locked in the lounge, I got bored after an hour so chewed the sofa and one of the table legs”
The Shepard says “so, why are you here” the Poodle replies “they are getting me put to sleep” "fucking hell” says the Shepard, “ that’s a bit strong “
“You can talk” says the Poodle “ you don’t look ill either”
“ Don’t go there says the Shepard, my master left to work away the other day, on his way out he patted me on the head and told me to look after his wife while he was away”
“I never left her side and yesterday evening she was in the bath and I was sleeping outside on the landing, I heard her get out the bath so looked up and there she was, bent over the bath drying her feet.
“ I couldn’t help myself, I jumped up, wrapped my paws round her waist and humped her from behind”
“Fucking hell” says the Poodle “is she getting you put down as well” “No” said the Shepard “ she’s getting my nails clipped”
"Houston, we have a problem!" "What? "Never mind, it doesn't matter..." "What's the problem? "Nothing..." "Just tell us..." "You know what the bloody problem is!"
I opened my curtains this morning and was shocked to see the actor David Jason sprawled out on my lawn.On closer inspection it wasn't him, It was just a touch of frost.
A man has an excellent seat at the FA Cup Final. As he sits down another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting next to him.
" No, the seat is empty" he replies.
"That's incredible" says the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
The man says "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1985."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars.
During the night Holmes wakes his companion and says "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce"
Watson says "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life".
Holmes replies, "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent".
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready, he begins to speak.
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East End. My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre. Sarah, my darling wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realise his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
The wife replies, "The asshole had a paper round."
friend of mine opened an online bank account last week .. the system asked him for a password .. he typed in 'mypenis'.. 'sorry' replied the computer 'too short'
Two nuns couldn't cross a river as it was too deep. Two clowns came along and offered to carry them across on their shoulders. Half way across one nun says to the other. "This is virgin on the ridiculous"
I was on the train watching a bloke struggling with the Sun crossword. When we got to his stop, he threw the paper down in disgust and got off, so I picked it up to see how far he'd got.
He only put in only answer. The clue was "To egg on (5)".
Comments
He said, "You're in Greggs, mate".
Who's there?
Grandad.
QUICK.STOP THE CREMATION!
But after looking through her knicker draw and finding a nurse's uniform, a French maids outfit and a police woman's uniform,I decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.
"Yes thanks," he replied as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa and rest for a while, and I’ll help you with the cart later."
The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. He was weak. "Well, okay then," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open suggesting what was on offer. "Stay for a while longer. Your wife won’t know anything about it. By the way, where is she?"
He replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."
3 degrees
Four tops
"What you in for?" says one.
"Cold blooded murder," says the nasty looking lag. "You?"
"Me? Oh, just bestiality."
"Bestiality? What's that?"
"Well, it's when a man has sexual congress with an animal."
"An animal? That is absolutely disgusting!! How low can you go?"
"Down to a Jack Russell."
The Poodle says “my master and misstress went out the other night and left me locked in the lounge, I got bored after an hour so chewed the sofa and one of the table legs”
The Shepard says “so, why are you here” the Poodle replies “they are getting me put to sleep” "fucking hell” says the Shepard, “ that’s a bit strong “
“You can talk” says the Poodle “ you don’t look ill either”
“ Don’t go there says the Shepard, my master left to work away the other day, on his way out he patted me on the head and told me to look after his wife while he was away”
“I never left her side and yesterday evening she was in the bath and I was sleeping outside on the landing, I heard her get out the bath so looked up and there she was, bent over the bath drying her feet.
“ I couldn’t help myself, I jumped up, wrapped my paws round her waist and humped her from behind”
“Fucking hell” says the Poodle “is she getting you put down as well” “No” said the Shepard “ she’s getting my nails clipped”
I said "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
"Houston, we have a problem!"
"What?
"Never mind, it doesn't matter..."
"What's the problem?
"Nothing..."
"Just tell us..."
"You know what the bloody problem is!"
Now they put everything on Facebook and get pissed off when they don't!
" No, the seat is empty" he replies.
"That's incredible" says the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
The man says "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1985."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral"
During the night Holmes wakes his companion and says "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce"
Watson says "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life".
Holmes replies, "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent".
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready, he begins to speak.
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East End. My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre. Sarah, my darling wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realise his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
The wife replies, "The asshole had a paper round."
Husband: 'Well next time take the car silly!'
They said, "Is this your wife?"
Shocked I answered, "Yes".
They said, "We are afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus".
I said, "I know, but she takes it up the arse, does the cooking and she's good with the kids!"
There's a new issue every fucking day!
He only put in only answer. The clue was "To egg on (5)".
He'd put "TOAST".