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Jokes..

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  • A book fell on my head last night.

    I've only my shelf to blame.
  • Highways England has launched a new campaign to stop tailgating.
    I'm right behind that...
  • If 1+1 makes 2
    2x2 makes 4
    3x3 makes 9

    How come 0x0 makes gravy?
  • Wife: "How would you describe me?"
    Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
    Wife: "What does that mean?"
    Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
    Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
    Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

  • Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

    A: Try a book store under fiction.

    Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

    A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a safe place to live.

    Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true and where can it be found?

    A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."

    Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

    A: Take off your glasses.

    Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

    A: Ladies, go braless It will usually pull them out.

    Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

    A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

    Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

    A: On their foreheads.

    Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

    A: "Gosh, I remember these."
  • sarge1g said:


    Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

    A: Try a book store under fiction.

    Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

    A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a safe place to live.

    Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true and where can it be found?

    A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."

    Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

    A: Take off your glasses.

    Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

    A: Ladies, go braless It will usually pull them out.

    Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

    A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

    Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

    A: On their foreheads.

    Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

    A: "Gosh, I remember these."</blockquote

    we should have a GIL button, these made me Groan.

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  • Apparently you can now get tea bags that contain Viagra.

    It does nothing for your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
  • 😷 Nudist Colony
    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

    On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

    The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

    The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

    She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

    Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

    The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...

    Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

    'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

    'You must be new,' says
    the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

    The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'

    'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

    The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day...
    😂😂

    Proper laugh out loud.

    Reminds me of me 😣😣
  • I asked the vet if I could feed our puppy chocolate?
    She said no… anyway that was a month ago, Chocolate’s dead now.
  • People often say that the fish had it easy during the biblical flood, as they didn’t need to be on an ark.

    Little did they know that Noah had a second boat which had several decks just for fish, due to the many different varieties of Carp

    It was a Multi-Storey Carp Ark
  • My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them...

    Personally I think he torques out of his bottom
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  • I just went into my local shop and asked for a bottle of water.

    The shopkeeper said, "Still water?"

    "Yeah, I haven't changed my mind!" I replied.
  • Did you hear about that French cheese factory that exploded?

    There was nothing left but de brie!
  • A teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right & wrong.

    "Let's take an example. If I were to get into a man's pocket & take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"

    A little boy raises his hand and with a confident smile, says, "You'd be his wife!"
  • Lost my job as lifeguard down at the local swimming baths. Apparently it was unacceptable behaviour to point to the “No Bombing” sign as a family of Muslims passed by
  • Did you hear about the fella that got run over by a mobile library?

    He was screaming in agony in the middle of the road. The driver stopped. Got out and said...... Sssssshuuuusshhh!
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