A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
I never eat anything labelled "Reformed ham" as I think it's unfair that the pigs have been slaughtered just as they've got their lives back on track.
This morning I went to a meeting of my Premature Ejaculators Support Group. It turns out it's tomorrow.
Do you know what? The other day a young girl described me as 'a looker'. (Actually, I think the word she used was 'voyeur', but that's the same thing, isn't it?)
The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex tape. Obviously, they don't know that yet.
Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets. Or, as I call them, Relatives.
I went on a barging holiday once. I haven't got a boat, I just kept pushing people into the canals.
I've just ordered a chicken, and an egg, off the internet. Just to see which one comes first.
I never eat anything labelled "Reformed ham" as I think it's unfair that the pigs have been slaughtered just as they've got their lives back on track.
This morning I went to a meeting of my Premature Ejaculators Support Group. It turns out it's tomorrow.
Do you know what? The other day a young girl described me as 'a looker'. (Actually, I think the word she used was 'voyeur', but that's the same thing, isn't it?)
The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex tape. Obviously, they don't know that yet.
Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets. Or, as I call them, Relatives.
I went on a barging holiday once. I haven't got a boat, I just kept pushing people into the canals.
I've just ordered a chicken, and an egg, off the internet. Just to see which one comes first.
I think when I watched the above standup, the last joke was
“I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon, I’ll let you know.”
I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts, and then I blend them altogether with some parmesan and olive oil...
A man rushes home and says to his wife, ‘quick!! Get me a beer before it starts!’ So the wife grabs him a cold one and he downs it in one. ‘Quickly!’ he cries again, ‘get me a beer before it starts!’ She does the same and he gulps down the drink.
‘Again, !’ He calls, before it starts.’
She shouts ‘Now listen here you fat cunt, you come in here, sit down and start barking fucking orders.... ‘Fuck me,’ he says, ‘it’s started.’
A man rushes into a pub and says "Give me a large brandy before the trouble starts".
The barman gives him the brandy and asks when the trouble's starting.
The man downs the large brandy and replies "Now. I don't have any money".
A man rushes home and says to his wife, ‘quick!! Get me a beer before it starts!’ So the wife grabs him a cold one and he downs it in one. ‘Quickly!’ he cries again, ‘get me a beer before it starts!’ She does the same and he gulps down the drink.
‘Again, !’ He calls, before it starts.’
She shouts ‘Now listen here you fat cunt, you come in here, sit down and start barking fucking orders.... ‘Fuck me,’ he says, ‘it’s started.’
A man rushes into a pub and says "Give me a large brandy before the trouble starts".
The barman gives him the brandy and asks when the trouble's starting.
The man downs the large brandy and replies "Now. I don't have any money".
A man rushes home and says to his wife, ‘quick!! Get me a beer before it starts!’ So the wife grabs him a cold one and he downs it in one. ‘Quickly!’ he cries again, ‘get me a beer before it starts!’ She does the same and he gulps down the drink.
‘Again, !’ He calls, before it starts.’
She shouts ‘Now listen here you fat cunt, you come in here, sit down and start barking fucking orders.... ‘Fuck me,’ he says, ‘it’s started.’
A man rushes into a pub and says "Give me a large brandy before the trouble starts".
The barman gives him the brandy and asks when the trouble's starting.
The man downs the large brandy and replies "Now. I don't have any money".
Comments
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
With my harpoon.
I said so love give me 3 clues for what u want and i will buy u it.
She said ok
Clue1- it begins with a D
Clue 2- it vibrates
Clue 3- its a womens bestfriend
So I have just ordered her a dishwasher
Especially Class A
That's when I snapped!
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
I never eat anything labelled "Reformed ham" as I think it's unfair that the pigs have been slaughtered just as they've got their lives back on track.
This morning I went to a meeting of my Premature Ejaculators Support Group. It turns out it's tomorrow.
Do you know what? The other day a young girl described me as 'a looker'. (Actually, I think the word she used was 'voyeur', but that's the same thing, isn't it?)
The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex tape. Obviously, they don't know that yet.
Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets. Or, as I call them, Relatives.
I went on a barging holiday once. I haven't got a boat, I just kept pushing people into the canals.
I've just ordered a chicken, and an egg, off the internet. Just to see which one comes first.
“I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon, I’ll let you know.”
But I may have that wrong
Then, hey... pesto!
Seems like a misguided business venture to me
"Give me a large brandy before the trouble starts".
The barman gives him the brandy and asks when the trouble's starting.
The man downs the large brandy and replies
"Now. I don't have any money".
Source?
Heaven knows I'm measurable now.
Who's there?
The interrupting cow
The interrup.....
Moo
Who’s there?
The doorbell repairman.
It’s an end of an airer!