A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said: 'Now Paddy, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
Suddenly, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked: 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered: 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed: 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.’
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.
8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.
8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk to you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, he turned up at my house punctually at 7 p.m. dressed like a gentleman in a fine suit and presented me with beautiful flowers! Outside there was a limousine waiting, uniformed chauffeur and all. He took me out for a marvellous dinner with lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then went to see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! Then, as we get back to my house, he turns into an animal! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you're telling me that I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
A man rushes home and says to his wife, ‘quick!! Get me a beer before it starts!’ So the wife grabs him a cold one and he downs it in one. ‘Quickly!’ he cries again, ‘get me a beer before it starts!’ She does the same and he gulps down the drink.
‘Again, !’ He calls, before it starts.’
She shouts ‘Now listen here you fat cunt, you come in here, sit down and start barking fucking orders.... ‘Fuck me,’ he says, ‘it’s started.’
An Irish farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
> > The Golf Club........... > > > > Dave Davis is at the golf club returning his locker key when Mr Barnier the membership secretary sees him. > > "Hello Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier. "I'm sorry to hear you are no longer renewing your club membership, if you would like to come to my office we can settle your account". > > "I have settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis.. > > "Ah yes Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier, "but there are other matters that need settlement" > > In Mr Barniers office Mr Davis explains that he has settled his bar bill so wonders what else he can possibly owe the Golf Club? "Well Mr Davis" begins Mr Barnier, "you did agree to buy one of our Club Jackets". > > "Yes" agrees Mr Davis "I did agree to buy a jacket but I haven't received it yet". "As soon as you supply the jacket I will send you a cheque for the full amount". > > "That will not be possible" explains Mr Barnier. "As you are no longer a club member you will not be entitled to buy one of our jackets"! > > "But you still want me to pay for it" exclaims Mr Davis. > > "Yes" says Mr Barnier, "That will be £500 for the jacket. "There is also your bar bill". > > "But I've already settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis. > > "Yes" says Mr Barnier, "but as you can appreciate, we need to place our orders from the Brewery in advance to ensure our bar is properly stocked".. "You regularly used to spend at least £50 a week in the bar so we have placed orders with the brewery accordingly for the coming year". "You therefore owe us £2600 for the year".. > > "Will you still allow me to have these drinks?" asks Mr Davis. "No of course not Mr Davis". "You are no longer a club member!" says Mr Barnier. > > "Next is your restaurant bill" continues Mr Barnier. "In the same manner we have to make arrangements in advance with our catering suppliers". "Your average restaurant bill was in the order of £300 a month, so we'll require payment of £3600 for the next year". > > "I don't suppose you'll be letting me have these meals either" asks Mr Davis. > > "No, of course not" says an irritated Mr Barnier, "you are no longer a club member!" > > "Then of course" Mr Barnier continues, "there are repairs to the clubhouse roof". > > "Clubhouse roof" exclaims Mr Davis, "What's that got to do with me?" > > "Well it still needs to be repaired and the builders are coming in next week", your share of the bill is £2000". > > "I see" says Mr Davis, "anything else?". > > "Now you mention it" says Mr Barnier, "there is Fred the Barman's pension". "We would like you to pay £5 a week towards Fred's pension when he retires next month". "He's not well you know so I doubt we'll need to ask you for payment for longer than about five years, so £1300 should do it". "This brings your total bill to £10,000" says Mr Barnier. > > "Let me get this straight" says Mr Davis, "you want me to pay £500 for a jacket you won't let me have, £2600 for beverages you won't let me drink and £3600 for food you won't let me eat, all under a roof I won't be allowed under and not served by a bloke who's going to retire next month!" > > "Yes, it's all perfectly clear and quite reasonable" says Mr Barnier. > > "Piss off!" says Mr Davis > > Now we understand what Brexit is all about.
Comments
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
Suddenly, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked: 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered: 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed: 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.’
It had been snowing all night …………..
8:00 am I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.
8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.
8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.
It was trouble over Bridgewater
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk to you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, he turned up at my house punctually at 7 p.m. dressed like a gentleman in a fine suit and presented me with beautiful flowers! Outside there was a limousine waiting, uniformed chauffeur and all. He took me out for a marvellous dinner with lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then went to see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! Then, as we get back to my house, he turns into an animal! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you're telling me that I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
‘Quickly!’ he cries again, ‘get me a beer before it starts!’ She does the same and he gulps down the drink.
‘Again, !’ He calls, before it starts.’
She shouts ‘Now listen here you fat cunt, you come in here, sit down and start barking fucking orders....
‘Fuck me,’ he says, ‘it’s started.’
"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a fuck what you think!"
It doesn't matter which position we are in, nothing wakes her up!
Which I thought was quite a harsh punishment.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now whot da fock would you say?'
So I've started smoking!
But apparently it just changes the the colour of the baby.
It'll be a joint decision!
Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4
Well, one's a crusty bus station and the other...
Doc: You're not eating properly.
"Does Sir require assistance with his luggage?"
"No thanks - I'm travelling light"
>
>
> The Golf Club...........
>
>
>
> Dave Davis is at the golf club returning his locker key when Mr Barnier the membership secretary sees him.
>
> "Hello Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier. "I'm sorry to hear you are no longer renewing your club membership, if you would like to come to my office we can settle your account".
>
> "I have settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis..
>
> "Ah yes Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier, "but there are other matters that need settlement"
>
> In Mr Barniers office Mr Davis explains that he has settled his bar bill so wonders what else he can possibly owe the Golf Club? "Well Mr Davis" begins Mr Barnier, "you did agree to buy one of our Club Jackets".
>
> "Yes" agrees Mr Davis "I did agree to buy a jacket but I haven't received it yet". "As soon as you supply the jacket I will send you a cheque for the full amount".
>
> "That will not be possible" explains Mr Barnier. "As you are no longer a club member you will not be entitled to buy one of our jackets"!
>
> "But you still want me to pay for it" exclaims Mr Davis.
>
> "Yes" says Mr Barnier, "That will be £500 for the jacket. "There is also your bar bill".
>
> "But I've already settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis.
>
> "Yes" says Mr Barnier, "but as you can appreciate, we need to place our orders from the Brewery in advance to ensure our bar is properly stocked".. "You regularly used to spend at least £50 a week in the bar so we have placed orders with the brewery accordingly for the coming year". "You therefore owe us £2600 for the year"..
>
> "Will you still allow me to have these drinks?" asks Mr Davis. "No of course not Mr Davis". "You are no longer a club member!" says Mr Barnier.
>
> "Next is your restaurant bill" continues Mr Barnier. "In the same manner we have to make arrangements in advance with our catering suppliers". "Your average restaurant bill was in the order of £300 a month, so we'll require payment of £3600 for the next year".
>
> "I don't suppose you'll be letting me have these meals either" asks Mr Davis.
>
> "No, of course not" says an irritated Mr Barnier, "you are no longer a club member!"
>
> "Then of course" Mr Barnier continues, "there are repairs to the clubhouse roof".
>
> "Clubhouse roof" exclaims Mr Davis, "What's that got to do with me?"
>
> "Well it still needs to be repaired and the builders are coming in next week", your share of the bill is £2000".
>
> "I see" says Mr Davis, "anything else?".
>
> "Now you mention it" says Mr Barnier, "there is Fred the Barman's pension". "We would like you to pay £5 a week towards Fred's pension when he retires next month". "He's not well you know so I doubt we'll need to ask you for payment for longer than about five years, so £1300 should do it". "This brings your total bill to £10,000" says Mr Barnier.
>
> "Let me get this straight" says Mr Davis, "you want me to pay £500 for a jacket you won't let me have, £2600 for beverages you won't let me drink and £3600 for food you won't let me eat, all under a roof I won't be allowed under and not served by a bloke who's going to retire next month!"
>
> "Yes, it's all perfectly clear and quite reasonable" says Mr Barnier.
>
> "Piss off!" says Mr Davis
>
> Now we understand what Brexit is all about.