A mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent a text to your daughter, my wife, telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found? She was naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation. She never got your text!"
There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man Bruno in line started telling his story, “Well,Gabriel, you see, I noticed that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in bed. I got home and searched all over but I couldn”t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn’t kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the stress gave me a heart attack, and here I am.”
The next guy Sanjay came up and started his story. “St.Gabriel, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ”Please God spare my life” and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I”m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.”
It was now the third guy Marcus’s turn to start his story. “Well,Gabriel, just picture this. I’m hiding full naked in this married chick”s refrigerator…”
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have “the clap”?"
Of course, the Madam said no. He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back smiling, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with “the clap”, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get “the clap” that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch “the clap”.
Then, when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch “the clap”, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have “the clap”?"
Of course, the Madam said no. He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back smiling, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with “the clap”, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get “the clap” that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch “the clap”.
Then, when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch “the clap”, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
Come on that is literally on the same page 9 jokes above
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have “the clap”?"
Of course, the Madam said no. He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back smiling, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with “the clap”, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get “the clap” that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch “the clap”.
Then, when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch “the clap”, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
Come on that is literally on the same page 9 jokes above
Fair cop. Just read it on Facebook so someone obviously beat me to it.
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. 'Oh, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.' They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.
I have just witnessed a very emotional sight, I passed an R.A.C. mobile patrol man and he was sobbing his heart out.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"I thought to myself he,s heading for a breakdown".
Comments
.....but we called them grandma and grandpapapapapapapapapapapaa..
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent a text to your daughter, my wife, telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found? She was naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation. She never got your text!"
The first man Bruno in line started telling his story, “Well,Gabriel, you see, I noticed that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in bed. I got home and searched all over but I couldn”t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn’t kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the stress gave me a heart attack, and here I am.”
The next guy Sanjay came up and started his story. “St.Gabriel, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ”Please God spare my life” and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I”m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.”
It was now the third guy Marcus’s turn to start his story. “Well,Gabriel, just picture this. I’m hiding full naked in this married chick”s refrigerator…”
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have “the clap”?"
Of course, the Madam said no. He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back smiling, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with “the clap”, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get “the clap” that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch “the clap”.
Then, when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch “the clap”, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel
I have to say that I found it hard to Beliamh.
Feefiphobia
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . . .
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.
I woke up with a massive correction.
I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away!"
He said he only wanted to see him laughing in his papal reign.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing...
He was just checking his balance!
This means nothing to me.
A Taxi driver just dropped Jose Mourinho with a load of suitcases at his London address
It looked like he was struggling getting out of the cab so the cab driver asked "can you manage?" to which he replied "don't you fucking start"
Jose said why?
Because you keep losing your matches.