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Jokes..

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Comments

  • Waitress: Are you ready to order?

    Me: My wife is in the ladies

    Waitress: Do you know what she’s having?

    Me: Well she’s been gone 10 minutes so probably a s**t!

    Proper LOL at work over this one !
  • I called up my landlord and said, “Hey, I gotta leak in my sink.”

    He said, “Go ahead. I’m not judging.”
  • It's so hot I spent the afternoon hanging out at Greenwich baths.
    Until someone pointed it out and I tucked it back in.
  • My wife said she's leaving me because of my fixation for CB radios, I think our marriage is over, over.
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  • edited July 2018
    stevec said:

    My wife said she's leaving me because of my fixation for CB radios, I think our marriage is over, over.

    I am guessing that this joke has been hanging around unloved and lonely for a couple of decades, breaker breaker, goodbuddy.
  • Went fishing yesterday and used licorice as bait for the first time. I caught all sorts
  • "I've just been doing some geometry"
    "Euclidean?"
    "No, I'm serious!"
  • “I rang you but I couldn’t get through”
    “What number did you call me on?”
    “X, IV, X, C,I,III, L,M, X, VII”
    “Sorry, that’s an old number”
  • edited July 2018
    My mum doesn’t trust my dad’s secretary. I asked her why, and she just said ‘I’ve seen her type before’
  • My driving instructor said you should always have your hands on the steering wheel at ten to two, unfortunately he was killed in an accident at half past one.
  • I bought my mother-in-law some noise cancelling headphones, the next day she wore them crossing the road and was hit by a car. So they do work.
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  • I went for an interview at a big IT company today for the position of 'Computer Hacking Investigator.'

    The boss asked me, "So, what makes you suitable for this job?"

    "Well," I replied, "I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview!"

    Reminds me of the (likely apocryphal) story of when Ken Bates was being interviewed to be the chairman of a Leeds.

    He was apparently asked to provide evidence of his business acumen and he replied........well - for starters I sold you Michael Duberry for 5 million.
  • edited July 2018
    I got an email from "Google Earth" saying it "could read maps backwards". I thought, "that's just spam".
  • What is the scariest thing to read in braille?

    “Do not touch.”
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