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Jokes..

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  • Identifying the 4th German sausage. That's my worst fear.
  • The collective noun for plaice is a pride.
  • I'd love to hear a musical arrangement of a blackbird's song.

    Orchestral?

    No, a blackbird.
  • Sad news
    I hear the man who created Predictive text has died

    restaurant in peace

    His funfair is on sundial


    (as someone posted on here several hundred pages ago)
  • What do you call a fish with no eyes?

    Amblyopsidae, or blindfish, commonly found in caves where they are well adapted to life in the dark.
  • Hey Jesus doing anything for Easter?
    I'm going away for three days.
  • Hey Jesus doing anything for Easter?
    No, just hanging around.
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  • LYING AROUND, PONDERING THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD, I REALISED THAT AT MY AGE I DON'T REALLY GIVE A RAT'S ASS ANY MORE.

    IF WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH, THE POSTMAN WOULD BE IMMORTAL. A WHALE SWIMS ALL DAY, ONLY EATS FISH, AND DRINKS WATER, BUT IS STILL FAT. A RABBIT RUNS AND HOPS AND ONLY LIVES 15 YEARS, WHILE A TORTOISE DOESN'T RUN AND DOES MOSTLY NOTHING, YET IT LIVES FOR 150 YEARS. AND THEY TELL US TO EXERCISE? I DON'T THINK SO.

    NOW THAT I'M OLDER, HERE'S WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED:

    1. I STARTED OUT WITH NOTHING, AND I STILL HAVE MOST OF IT.

    2. MY WILD OATS ARE MOSTLY ENJOYED WITH PRUNES AND ALL-BRAN.

    3. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

    4. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

    5. IF ALL IS NOT LOST, THEN WHERE THE HECK IS IT?

    6. IT WAS A WHOLE LOT EASIER TO GET OLDER THAN IT WAS TO GET WISER.

    7. SOME DAYS, YOU'RE THE TOP DOG, SOME DAYS YOU'RE THE LAMPPOST.

    8. I WISH THE BUCK REALLY DID STOP HERE, I SURE COULD USE A FEW OF THEM.

    9. KIDS IN THE BACK SEAT CAUSE ACCIDENTS.

    10. ACCIDENTS IN THE BACK SEAT CAUSE KIDS.

    11. IT IS HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE.

    12. THE WORLD ONLY BEATS A PATH TO YOUR DOOR WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM.

    13. IF GOD WANTED ME TO TOUCH MY TOES, HE'D HAVE PUT THEM ON MY KNEES.

    14. WHEN I'M FINALLY HOLDING ALL THE RIGHT CARDS, EVERYONE WANTS TO PLAY CHESS.

    15. IT IS NOT HARD TO MEET EXPENSES. THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.

    16. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RUT AND A GRAVE IS THE DEPTH.

    17. THESE DAYS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT THE HEREAFTER. I GO SOMEWHERE TO GET SOMETHING, AND THEN WONDER WHAT I'M "HERE AFTER".

    18. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

    19. IT IS A LOT BETTER TO BE SEEN THAN VIEWED.

    20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE? OR DID I GET IT FROM YOU?
  • Solidgone said:

    What do you call a fish with no eyes?

    Amblyopsidae, or blindfish, commonly found in caves where they are well adapted to life in the dark.

    Sorry to ruin a "great joke", but they do actually have eyes they're just very simple and only usually detect light or dark.

    Or is that the joke? I can't tell any more. What's going on?
  • They'd been hunting for the Russian spy for years and eventually cornered him up in the hills.

    "We are arresting you for being a spy" said the agent.

    "But I'm not a spy. I'm a shepherd" said the astonished Russian.

    "OK then. I'm arresting you for being a shepherd spy" said the agent.

    Homage to the Goons :smile:
  • Solidgone said:

    What do you call a fish with no eyes?

    Amblyopsidae, or blindfish, commonly found in caves where they are well adapted to life in the dark.

    Sorry to ruin a "great joke", but they do actually have eyes they're just very simple and only usually detect light or dark.

    Or is that the joke? I can't tell any more. What's going on?
    Source and is it in the OS? :0)
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  • Q: What's Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination?

    A: HAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYE
  • Q: What's Whitney Houston's favorite kind of porn?

    A: HEN TAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYE
  • Her favourite car manufacturer is.....


    HAAAAIAAAI UNDAAAAAEEEEIIIIAAAAAA
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