Jokes..

stevec

Just heard the sad news. The man who invented standardised pricing has died. RRP.

Sillybilly

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AddicksAddict

Charles Dicken’s ‘A Tale Of Two Cities’ was first serialised in two local newspapers.

“It was the Bicester Times, it was The Worcester Times”

A-R-T-H-U-R

Doctor, I'm addicted to having sex with dogs.
Have you tried patches?
What's he, a poodle?

A-R-T-H-U-R

Went to the zoo, watched the monkeys wanking.
Went on to see the alligators. I was still wanking.

Briston_Addick

A friend of mine has 2 tickets in a corporate box for England versus Ireland on 17th March at Twickenham. He paid £300 each but he didn’t realise when he bought them months ago that it would coincide with his wedding day.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It’s at Mary Street Registry Office at 4.30 PM . The bride’s name is Nicola; She’s 5ft 4”, about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.

Solidgone

Trumps Gun notice:

Shag

The Mrs told me last night that she's leaving me because of my obsession with astronomy

What fucking planet is she on ?

A-R-T-H-U-R

Stig

Somebody told me that Trevor Baylis had died, but I thought it was a wind up.

stevec

Fell over in the paint aisle at B&Q today. I was overcome with emulsion.

Solidgone

People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green.

But at least I avocado.

Sillybilly

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cantersaddick

Southeastern's feeble attempts at running a train 'service'.

AddicksAddict

Cycling is a clean sport.

ozaddick

SAD NEWS TODAY

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath. He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted “The milky bars are on me” everyone cheered.

A-R-T-H-U-R

I just persuaded my baby brother to swallow a torch.
It was worth it just to see his little face light up.

Duncan270566

The local Painter and Decorator was found frozen to death in last weeks heavy snow.

Police said he really should have had another coat.

AddicksAddict

My uncle was crushed to death in a grape press. They said it was so quick he didn't suffer, just let out a little whine.

pettgra

Sad news about the plumber who left his wife.
He said it is over flo.

Blackheathen

pettgra said:

Sad news about the plumber who left his wife.
He said it is over flo.

Was his name Ebb

stevec

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but he soon realised that toucan play at that game.

A-R-T-H-U-R

Actors have got Equity, magicians have got the Magic Circle, but I think it’s a shame ventriloquists don’t have anyone to speak for them.

stevec

I went to my doctor and said that I can't pronounce my Fs & Ts. He said "well you can't say fairer than that".

sarge1g

When I was young I thought I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.

One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters "PNEIS" into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today.

The rest of us are sending jokes via email!

sarge1g

A lawyer representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. On being put through he says, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested £5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of £20 million. I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

pettgra

A couple bought a waterbed in an attempt to spice up their marriage.
They still drifted apart.

stevec

I swear that Jamie Carragher just drove past me in his car...
If it wasn't him, it was his spitting image

thai malaysia addick

pettgra said:

A couple bought a waterbed in an attempt to spice up their marriage.
They still drifted apart.

I thought the joke was:

When I lived on a houseboat, I had a thing about the girl on the boat next door, but we drifted apart.

Redrobo

thai malaysia addick said:

pettgra said:

A couple bought a waterbed in an attempt to spice up their marriage.
They still drifted apart.

I thought the joke was:

When I lived on a houseboat, I had a thing about the girl on the boat next door, but we drifted apart.

No. Sounds perve.