"Life is not the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."
After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Navy fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.
He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried.
It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Sailor, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "OK...Can I feel your tits, then?"
And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.
So I'm in Sainsburys and see a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and I hear the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Very impressed, I go outside to where the grandfather is loading his shopping and the boy into the car. I said : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad." "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."
A man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The man man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"
A man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The man man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"
A man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The man man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can't tell you because you're not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
“We can't tell you because you're not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, “May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door..
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst
Finally, the monks say, “This is the key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight……..
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.......
My pal can't resist a bargain. So, when he saw that it was buy one box of tissues get two free at the co-op he filled his trolley up. Thinking about it now, he probably looked like a bit of a wanker!
My little budgie broke its leg. Fortunately I managed to make it a little splint out of swan Vesta matches. You should have seen it’s little face light up when it tried to walk.
Comments
I think it was Farmer Geddon.
They've got enough on their plate.
What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?
Annette.
What do you call a bloke under a pile of leaves?
Russell.
A low down dirty c@nt.
Jammy c@nt.
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."
After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Navy fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.
He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse
hovering over him, looking worried.
It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Sailor, she spoke to him softly and slowly,
enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "OK...Can I feel your tits, then?"
And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.
Because he plays with Pooh.
Happy days!
1) Mount your partner doggy-style
2) Take a firm grip of her hair
3) Tell her she's not as good as her sister.
EARS PIERCED WHILE YOU WAIT
Take away food must not be eaten on the premises
He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and I hear the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, I go outside to where the grandfather is loading his shopping and the boy into the car. I said :
"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."
"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The man man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"
Husband: By the time I get around to the front, I've forgotten what I was going to say.
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can't tell you because you're not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
“We can't tell you because you're not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, “May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door..
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst
Finally, the monks say, “This is the key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight……..
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.......
Thinking about it now, he probably looked like a bit of a wanker!
"What makes you say that?" she asked with a gleaming smile.
"12 bottles of Corona, 7 sambucca shots and 3 lines of coke," I replied
Not sure how I did that!
I didn't even know it was her birthday!
"Yes please," I smiled...
"Today is special," he replied, then walked off.
Mine is more important, and I don’t really care if you have one.