A failing hypnotist had been drawing poor crowds and had been booed by audiences. He decided to do one more show to see if he could turn it round. Sadly, the first half of the show was a disaster - no one fell under his spell - and his jokes didn't work. As he left the stage at the interval to jeers, he had a bright idea. He would pay Frank, one of the backstage crew, £100 to pretend he was hypnotised. Frank sat into the audience and at the beginning of the second half, the hypnotist called Frank on to the stage. Sure enough, Frank did everything he was commanded to do and the crowd cheered wildly as Frank pretended to act like a turkey, sing in a high pitch voice and pretend to sit on the toilet. As he was nearing the end of the show, he suddenly realised that the £100 he would have to pay Frank would mean a loss on the night. His quick thinking changed everything as he announced to the cheering crowd "Frank will now claim he is owed £100 and will get angrier and angrier as I tell him that I don't."
Two men Pat and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house. At full time Pat gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain outside.
"Stay the night here Pat," says Mick. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."
When Mick comes back down the stairs Pat is drenched to the bone.
Two men Pat and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house. At full time Pat gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain outside.
"Stay the night here Pat," says Mick. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."
When Mick comes back down the stairs Pat is drenched to the bone.
Two men Pat and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house. At full time Pat gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain outside.
"Stay the night here Pat," says Mick. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."
When Mick comes back down the stairs Pat is drenched to the bone.
Two men Pat and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house. At full time Pat gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain outside.
"Stay the night here Pat," says Mick. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."
When Mick comes back down the stairs Pat is drenched to the bone.
Mick says,"What the fuck happened to you?"
Pat replies, "I nipped home to get my pyjamas."
Do you really need to be telling Irish jokes? The joke could be told without any reference to nationality
-Still the meltiest reply to a joke i've ever heard
My mate just said, "My wife's persistent waffling is starting to get on my nerves."I said, "It's your own fault for marrying a Belgian woman!"
Incredibly perceptive of you @Stig Jan 13. A whole year before the Belgian invasion.
That was probably the trigger that made Charlton bounce up on the Belgian version of Google when RD searched for his next football club with a Belgian link...it's all Stig's fault
Two men Pat and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house. At full time Pat gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain outside.
"Stay the night here Pat," says Mick. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."
When Mick comes back down the stairs Pat is drenched to the bone.
Mick says,"What the fuck happened to you?"
Pat replies, "I nipped home to get my pyjamas."
Do you really need to be telling Irish jokes? The joke could be told without any reference to nationality
-Still the meltiest reply to a joke i've ever heard
Okay, I've thought about this long and hard. Let's take a different approach. You hear an Irish joke and want to post it up here. Just change the characters so that no one can be offended.
My suggestion would be to use a couple of guys who are pig ignorant dullards, let's choose some random names, maybe Darren and Neil. They work for a fictitious company that provides stewards for football matches. Let's call the company, oh, I don't know, how about Square Edge Event Mismanagement Ltd. The company is based in a fictional Medway town called Gillchester.
That would work wouldn't it? We could have some fun with that. Of course a disclaimer might be helpful. Something along the lines of:
*This joke is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. No identification with actual persons (living or dead), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.
Two men Pat and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house. At full time Pat gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain outside.
"Stay the night here Pat," says Mick. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."
When Mick comes back down the stairs Pat is drenched to the bone.
Mick says,"What the fuck happened to you?"
Pat replies, "I nipped home to get my pyjamas."
Do you really need to be telling Irish jokes? The joke could be told without any reference to nationality
-Still the meltiest reply to a joke i've ever heard
Okay, I've thought about this long and hard. Let's take a different approach. You hear an Irish joke and want to post it up here. Just change the characters so that no one can be offended.
My suggestion would be to use a couple of guys who are pig ignorant dullards, let's choose some random names, maybe Darren and Neil. They work for a fictitious company that provides stewards for football matches. Let's call the company, oh, I don't know, how about Square Edge Event Mismanagement Ltd. The company is based in a fictional Medway town called Gillchester.
That would work wouldn't it? We could have some fun with that. Of course a disclaimer might be helpful. Something along the lines of:
*This joke is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. No identification with actual persons (living or dead), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.
My name is Neil and now I'm fooking offended, MODS... MODS... Ban this clown!!
Two men Pat and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house. At full time Pat gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain outside.
"Stay the night here Pat," says Mick. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."
When Mick comes back down the stairs Pat is drenched to the bone.
Mick says,"What the fuck happened to you?"
Pat replies, "I nipped home to get my pyjamas."
Do you really need to be telling Irish jokes? The joke could be told without any reference to nationality
-Still the meltiest reply to a joke i've ever heard
Okay, I've thought about this long and hard. Let's take a different approach. You hear an Irish joke and want to post it up here. Just change the characters so that no one can be offended.
My suggestion would be to use a couple of guys who are pig ignorant dullards, let's choose some random names, maybe Dan and Henry. They work for a fictitious company that provides stewards for football matches. Let's call the company, oh, I don't know, how about Square Edge Event Mismanagement Ltd. The company is based in a fictional Medway town called Gillchester.
That would work wouldn't it? We could have some fun with that. Of course a disclaimer might be helpful. Something along the lines of:
*This joke is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. No identification with actual persons (living or dead), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.
Just heard my brother in law was sacked from his job where he was in charge of letting of the fireworks at a display. It seems he let them off in the wrong sequence. I think it's bang out of order.
Comments
“helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative”
What does ‘ternative’ mean?
Guess what, she couldn’t do either!
A spokesman said... "The last thing I saw was Dan Singh on the ceiling"
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I'm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%!
Spent six hours linking all of my watches together to make a belt.
It was a complete waist of time!
I went to a fancy dress party as a spider last night.
Fuck knows what time I crawled in!
I was attacked last night in the street by a bloke with a power tool, there I was just minding my own business then BOSCH!
"Charlton have got a tough game this weekend"
"Yeah, football"
"Stay the night here Pat," says Mick. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."
When Mick comes back down the stairs Pat is drenched to the bone.
Mick says,"What the fuck happened to you?"
Pat replies, "I nipped home to get my pyjamas."
Picassole
-Still the meltiest reply to a joke i've ever heard
How does he smell?
He doesn't, Michael Heseltine killed him.
My suggestion would be to use a couple of guys who are pig ignorant dullards, let's choose some random names, maybe Darren and Neil. They work for a fictitious company that provides stewards for football matches. Let's call the company, oh, I don't know, how about Square Edge Event Mismanagement Ltd. The company is based in a fictional Medway town called Gillchester.
That would work wouldn't it? We could have some fun with that. Of course a disclaimer might be helpful. Something along the lines of:
*This joke is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. No identification with actual persons (living or dead), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.
I'm going to tell the wife I'm leaving her for her sister!