Police are investigating a break in last night at selhurst park. Thieves have escaped with the entire contents of the trophy room. They confirm that they are looking for two men in a white van containing a large blue and red carpet.
One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage. The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in.
The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!
Blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin .
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free'
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go and give it a try'!
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out........ SH!T, SH!T, SH!T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO'!
Blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin .
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free'
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go and give it a try'!
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out........ SH!T, SH!T, SH!T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO'!
Blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin .
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free'
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go and give it a try'!
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out........ SH!T, SH!T, SH!T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO'!
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was u nusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
Sad news, apparently the Michelin Man has retyred.
Well, he picked a Goodyear for it.
I heard he was a bit of a Battleaxe but he'll be more mellow now he's gone to live on the Avon. Then he'll be off on a Continental holiday before living a GoodRich life emulating Joey Dunlop's feats at the TT.
Snow White was peeling potatoes in the kitchen. The seven dwarves had earlier gone to work down the nearby mine.
All of a sudden there was a huge roar coming from the direction of the mine. There had been an explosion down the mine and within minutes the whole village was at the coal face desperate for news of their loved ones.
The crowd was hushed because a voice seemed to be coming up from the depths.
"Duchalet is selling up. Katrien is buggering off forever. Charlton will be back in the Premier League in two seasons and will have a great run in the FA Cup"
Snow White turned to the neighbour behind her and said
Comments
What's red and blue and goes "beep beep beep"?
The Palace victory bus reversing back into the garage
Patient: Good news? WTF is the bad news.
Doctor: Your file has been stuck down the back of the filing cabinet for four months,
I've only just found it'.
You can beat an egg!
When his hand caught light.
So instead, I'm having a chicken seizure salad.
Dont need them anymore as I recently got married and the wife knows everything!!
Please feel free to call this number so once again it is 0800 Won Nothing, Won nothing, Won Nothing
The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in.
The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!
Blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin .
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free'
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go and give it a try'!
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out........ SH!T, SH!T, SH!T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO'!
Looks like the crocs have got their revenge in!
I managed to get the Ipad in, but the Android.... well there just ain't the room.
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
mostly to see the horses
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their
'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted
one, she couldn't help but notice that he was u nusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be
in the 5th.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race,
but I appreciate your help.'
But the Michelin Man - just how many white tyres have you ever seen? Shouldn't he look more like this:
All of a sudden there was a huge roar coming from the direction of the mine. There had been an explosion down the mine and within minutes the whole village was at the coal face desperate for news of their loved ones.
The crowd was hushed because a voice seemed to be coming up from the depths.
"Duchalet is selling up. Katrien is buggering off forever. Charlton will be back in the Premier League in two seasons and will have a great run in the FA Cup"
Snow White turned to the neighbour behind her and said
"That's a relief. At least Dopey's OK"