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Jokes..

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  • Police are investigating a break in last night at selhurst park. Thieves have escaped with the entire contents of the trophy room. They confirm that they are looking for two men in a white van containing a large blue and red carpet.
  • Alan Pardew
  • Doctor: The good news is you've got six months to live.

    Patient: Good news? WTF is the bad news.

    Doctor: Your file has been stuck down the back of the filing cabinet for four months,
    I've only just found it'.

  • What's the difference between an egg and a w**k?
    You can beat an egg!
  • What's the difference between an egg and a w**k?
    You can beat an egg!

    Whelk is five letters, not four.
  • When did Pinocchio discover he was made of wood.
    When his hand caught light.
  • When did Pinocchio discover she was made of wood?

    When she got a splinter picking her nose.
  • I was going to roast a chicken tonight but it had a fit on a bed of lettuce.
    So instead, I'm having a chicken seizure salad.
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  • For Sale... 45-volumes of Encyclopaedia Britannica

    Dont need them anymore as I recently got married and the wife knows everything!!
  • I'm hoping to find a cure for my hiccups, but I'm not holding my breath.
  • One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage.
    The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.

    The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

    The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in.

    The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!



  • limeygent said:



    Blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin .

    She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free'

    The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go and give it a try'!

    The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

    Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

    Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank watching in silent amazement.

    The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out........ SH!T, SH!T, SH!T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO'!




    Immaculate timing! bbc.co.uk/news/world-australia-36376227

    Looks like the crocs have got their revenge in!
  • Just come back from the doctors. Had a bit of a stomach ache and he's told me I need to put a couple of tablets up my bum.

    I managed to get the Ipad in, but the Android.... well there just ain't the room.


  • edited May 2016
    cafcfan said:

    limeygent said:



    Blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin .

    She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free'

    The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go and give it a try'!

    The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

    Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

    Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank watching in silent amazement.

    The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out........ SH!T, SH!T, SH!T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO'!




    Immaculate timing! bbc.co.uk/news/world-australia-36376227

    Looks like the crocs have got their revenge in!
    Definite candidate for a "Darwin Award", tragic though it is.
  • edited May 2016
    Brilliant lack of sympathy from the parliament guy - sometimes Aussie bluntness is fantastic.
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  • edited June 2016
    Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now, and take your f*****g mates with you".

  • Sad news, apparently the Michelin Man has retyred.
  • stevec said:

    Sad news, apparently the Michelin Man has retyred.

    Well, he picked a Goodyear for it.

    But the Michelin Man - just how many white tyres have you ever seen? Shouldn't he look more like this:

    image
  • cafcfan said:

    stevec said:

    Sad news, apparently the Michelin Man has retyred.

    Well, he picked a Goodyear for it.
    I heard he was a bit of a Battleaxe but he'll be more mellow now he's gone to live on the Avon. Then he'll be off on a Continental holiday before living a GoodRich life emulating Joey Dunlop's feats at the TT.
  • How tyresome!!!!
  • Quite slick, I would have said.
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