Wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K". She asks, "What does that mean"? He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful , Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot". She smiled and said, "Oh, that's sweet, but what about 'I, J, K' "? He said, "I'm Just Kidding' "
A social worker visits an Essex girl who has 10 kids. "So, what are their names?" asks the social worker. "Well", she replies, "There's Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne". "Isn't that a bit confusing giving them all the same name?" asks the social worker. "No, they've all got different surnames", she replies.
By the time I had finished I was out of breath, dripping with sweat and my skin was sticky to the touch. Standing up I caught a glimpse of my bright red face in the mirror. I was satisfied and I could tell by the look on her face that she was impressed with my performance. As I lit up a cigarette I said to her..." That, my love.....
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
there is a fine line with comedy and jokes, i usually find most things funny but apart from the last one which ive heard a hundred times there a bit jim davidson/ chubby brown / bernard manning esque, if you find them funny then great everyone has there own tastes and senses of humour but cant say they raised much of a titter with me.
Man standing in a nightclub queue is dressed to impress with a set of jump leads from his car hanging round his neck. Doorman says Sorry you can't come in with those round your neck. the man protests and the doorman says " Ok you can come in but you'd better not start Anything" ! e
Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films. "Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."
2 Irishmen looking for work on a London site ask the foreman for a start. Foreman thinks "Thick paddies, i'll catch them out and send them on their way". "Ok lads, if you can tell me the difference between a joist and a girder i'll give you a job". The 2 Irishmen whisper to each oyther for a few seconds the one turns to the foreman and says "Sure that's an easy one boss. One wrote Ulysses and the others yer man in Faust"
Guy takes a girl out on a first date. kissing her goodnight he leans one arm on the wall and takes his dick out. "oh, you're so sexy, give us a blowjob" he asks. Horrified she says "are you mad, my parents are home, they could catch us". "oh come on, who's gonna know" he says. She whinges on about getting caught and he moans on about a blow job. Suddenly the porch light comes on and her younger sister opens the door. "Dad says hurry up and give him a blow job or at least w@nk him off in the bushes, but for f%*ks sake tell him to take his arm off the intercom button".
Guy takes a girl out on a first date. kissing her goodnight he leans one arm on the wall and takes his dick out. "oh, you're so sexy, give us a blowjob" he asks. Horrified she says "are you mad, my parents are home, they could catch us". "oh come on, who's gonna know" he says. She whinges on about getting caught and he moans on about a blow job. Suddenly the porch light comes on and her younger sister opens the door. "Dad says hurry up and give him a blow job or at least w@nk him off in the bushes, but for f%*ks sake tell him to take his arm off the intercom button".
I got stopped by the police last night, the officer said "where are you going in a hurry sir", I said "Iam going to attend a lecture on alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the body, and also the effects of smoking and staying out late" The policeman said "at 2am in the morning ? who is going to do a lecture at this time of the day" I said "my bloody wife"
Guy takes a girl out on a first date. kissing her goodnight he leans one arm on the wall and takes his dick out. "oh, you're so sexy, give us a blowjob" he asks. Horrified she says "are you mad, my parents are home, they could catch us". "oh come on, who's gonna know" he says. She whinges on about getting caught and he moans on about a blow job. Suddenly the porch light comes on and her younger sister opens the door. "Dad says hurry up and give him a blow job or at least w@nk him off in the bushes, but for f%*ks sake tell him to take his arm off the intercom button".
I wanted to be a lumberjack but i couldn't hack it. So i worked in a orange juice factory but I couldn't concentrate. So i studied to become a doctor but i didn't have the patience. So I become a tailor but the job never suited me. So i worked in a shoe shop but i couldn't fit in. So i became a chef but i never had the tyme.
Comments
By the time I had finished I was out of breath, dripping with sweat and my skin was sticky to the touch. Standing up I caught a glimpse of my bright red face in the mirror. I was satisfied and I could tell by the look on her face that she was impressed with my performance. As I lit up a cigarette I said to her..." That, my love.....
...is how a real man finishes a vindaloo".
towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our
garden hose only reaches the driveway.
Couple of deer walking out of a gay club.
One turn to the other and says, Jesus, I must have blown thirty bucks in there.
Man standing in a nightclub queue is dressed to impress with a set of jump leads from his car hanging
round his neck. Doorman says Sorry you can't come in with those round your neck. the man protests
and the doorman says " Ok you can come in but you'd better not start Anything" !
e
That's me in the korma.
been married 35 years and I'm still in love with the same gorgeous, beautiful and sexy girl .....
if the wife ever finds out she's gonna kill me
"Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."
What a wonderful example of our tolerant multi-racial society that is.
2 Irishmen looking for work on a London site ask the foreman for a start.
Foreman thinks "Thick paddies, i'll catch them out and send them on their way".
"Ok lads, if you can tell me the difference between a joist and a girder i'll give you a job".
The 2 Irishmen whisper to each oyther for a few seconds the one turns to the foreman and says
"Sure that's an easy one boss. One wrote Ulysses and the others yer man in Faust"
Errrr... No.
She whinges on about getting caught and he moans on about a blow job.
Suddenly the porch light comes on and her younger sister opens the door. "Dad says hurry up and give him a blow job or at least w@nk him off in the bushes, but for f%*ks sake tell him to take his arm off the intercom button".
He said "of course I do".
I said "great, get your coat on, I'm skint.
I got stopped by the police last night, the officer said "where are you going in a hurry sir",
I said "Iam going to attend a lecture on alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the body, and also the effects of smoking and staying out late"
The policeman said "at 2am in the morning ? who is going to do a lecture at this time of the day"
I said "my bloody wife"
The jokes were part of a long list sent to me over the weekend by a muslim
friend [ Roshan ] who lives in New York !
Obviously depends on the individual as to how you view them.
once again....sincerest apologies
I wanted to be a lumberjack but i couldn't hack it. So i worked in a orange juice factory but I couldn't concentrate. So i studied to become a doctor but i didn't have the patience. So I become a tailor but the job never suited me. So i worked in a shoe shop but i couldn't fit in. So i became a chef but i never had the tyme.
Why should you never wear Ukranian underpants?
Because Chernobyl Fall-out.
(bit dated now, but it's literally the only joke I've ever been able to remember other than Simpsons quotes)