Two birds and a frog are sitting on a branch of a tree. The first bird looks around and with great joy, let's looses a wonderfull trill. The second bird waits and then does the same thing. The frog looks at them, then leaps off the branch, flapping his forelegs wildly and plummets down to the ground, flapping uselessly all the way. The first bird looks at the second bird and says 'I think we have to tell him he's adopted!'
two cows in the milking stalls, the farmers son is milking one by hand while the other waits her turn .. the cow being milked turns to the other and says: 'This bloke is a real drag, he never gets past the foreplay'
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
I tried to get my son to come out for a walk instead of playing with his Ninentendo, Iphone, PC, Ipad and TV, to no avail. So I left him to his own devices.
Kola Karim was chatting to a good friend .. 'Im thinking of buying a club' said he .. 'Arsenal, Charlton, Barcelona ?' asked his chum .. 'Oh no .. a putter or a five iron should do the trick' said KK
Delia's Way #1 Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way #1 Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Delia's Way #2 To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way #2 Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the larder for up to a year.
Delia's Way #3 When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way #3 Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way #4 If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Women's Way #4 If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough shit. Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Delia's Way #5 Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way #5 It could keep forever. I don't eat it.
Delia's Way #6 Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way #6 Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg whites over the crust so I don't do that.
Delia's Way #7 Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way #7 Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of tequila. Drink the tequila. You might still have the headache, but who gives a shit?
Delia's Way #8 If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way #8 Go ask mister tight-arse cute-legs, single neighbour to do it for you.
And finally the most important tip -
Delia's Way #9 Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way #9 What the f@@k is Leftover wine????!!!
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Comments
..and unless I see photo evidence of each and every one of em in a very compromising position, I won't believe you.
; )
Photos?
Photos are so last century, but I can send you the link to my video archive.
The first bird looks at the second bird and says 'I think we have to tell him he's adopted!'
I have nothing in my inbox.
I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.
The universe is going to implode. No matter.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
The Pirate responded "We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."
Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"
The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."
The bartender then asked "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"
The pirate said "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."
The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?"
The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
I'm not impressed. All it says is "You can go your own way."
I'm into flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality.
Am I flogging a dead horse?
Delia's Way #1
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way #1
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Delia's Way #2
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way #2
Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the larder for up to a year.
Delia's Way #3
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way #3
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way #4
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
potato slice.
The Real Women's Way #4
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough shit.
Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Delia's Way #5
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way #5
It could keep forever. I don't eat it.
Delia's Way #6
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way #6
Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg whites over the crust so I don't do that.
Delia's Way #7
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way #7
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of tequila. Drink the tequila.
You might still have the headache, but who gives a shit?
Delia's Way #8
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way #8
Go ask mister tight-arse cute-legs, single neighbour to do it for you.
And finally the most important tip -
Delia's Way #9
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way #9
What the f@@k is Leftover wine????!!!
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
A golfer hits his ball into a garden next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the garden says, "Don't you see
the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"
The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That's my ball over
there. May I have it, please?"
The man says, "It's in my garden and so it's my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I think I understand"
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball,
then walks back and throws it into the garden as well.
The man says, "What did you do that for?"
The golfer replies...
"I consider myself a Gentleman, and I
believe every prick should have two balls."
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night...
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a leccture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"
The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The Man, "That would be my wife"
ZEN TEACHINGS
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path
is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't
getting any.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try
missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile
away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it
was probably well worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of
that comes from bad judgment.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.
Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips
are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.