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Jokes..

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  • Just been watching the women's World Cup and have to say I was really impressed with the football.

    Mitre I think it was
  • Old one but makes me laugh ..............

    Terrorist runs into a Pet Shop puts a Bomb on the counter and yells

    "you've got 5 minutes to get everyone out "

     

    The shopkeeper replies  "Thats not fair on the Tortoise "

     

  • bloke is walking around a zoo with his kids, theres rubbish all over the floor, place stinks all the staff are wearing palace shirts, there looking in all the enclousers cant see any animals at all. finally they find an an enclouser where they can see a real small dog sat taking a dump, one of the keepers walks past and the dad says" hey you, what is this?" the keeper says "shitzu", dad says i can bloody see that but whats the bloody animal called.
  • THE CHAVS PRAYER,... Our Father who art in prison, even Mum knows not his name, thy chavdom come, u'll read The Sun, in Exmouth which is in Devon, give us this day our Welfare bread and forgive us our ASBO's as we happy slap those who got ASBO's against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the Chavdom, the Burberry and the Bacardi, forever and ever... Innit!...
  • Why do women fart after they take a pee?

    They can't shake it, so they blow dry it!

     

    Made me chuckle!

  • My wife threatened to leave me over my constant pedantry. I said "how am I supposed to stop?"
    she said "any means necessary"
    I said "No it doesn't."
  • My wife’s been missing for a week. Police said prepare for the worst, so I’ve been to Oxfam to get her clothes back…….

  • I've just broken the british record for holding your breath underwater - 8 minutes 42 seconds.

    It all started when a little girl in the swimming pool shouted "That's him, Daddy, over there!"

  • My Missus says I've got no sense of direction....
    So I packed My bags and right.
  • Steve Jobs resigns as CEO of Apple. Things are really going to go pear shaped for them now.
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  • How much is Jobs worth?
  • I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
  • Winner of the funnist gag at the Edinburgh festival was:

    I was asked for a password that was eight characters long so I said "Snow white and the seven dwarves".

  • If that's the best joke I'd hate to hear the worst.
  • Veteran entertainer Paul Daniels won the wooden spoon for the worst joke of the festival.He won the dubious honour for his gag: "I said to a fella 'Is there a B&Q in Henley?' He said 'No, there's an H, an E, an N an L and a Y'."
  • Jews, Christians and Muslims have been fighting one another for centuries.

    Hindus, on the other hand, have no beef with anyone.
  • Courtesy of Stephen Fry

    Definition of "countryside": murdering Piers Morgan
  • So, the new big brother house has Jedward and a swimming pool.............................Where's michael Barrymore when you need him?
  • Probably doing a bit of gardening ;-)
  • Courtesy of Stephen Fry

    Definition of "countryside": murdering Piers Morgan




    Hardly Fry's joke! That one's been around for years. Jimmy Jones used to do it using various clebs of the day including Bernard Manning

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  • Owen Hargreaves' move to #mcfcbreaks down amid injury scare. Apparently, he fell out of the transfer window
  • @MensHumorMen's HumorThink you're marrying a nymphomaniac? After a few years, the nympho will leave but the maniac sticks around.
  • Is there a B&Q in Henley,no there is an H,anE,anN,anL,anEand a Y, ha ha ha. 
  • A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa, and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing that he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin.

    "Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!!"

    One day, the wife of one of the tribes’s noblemen gave birth to a white child. The village is shocked, and the chief is then sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

    "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black women gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. I know what you’ve done!"

    The missionary replies: "Oh, no, my good man - you are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, called an albino. LOOK IN YONDER FIELD! You see a field of white sheep, yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this on occasion."

    The chief pauses a moment, and then says, "Tell you what - you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the kid."
  • llowing questions and answers were collated from last year’s English GCSEs. (16 year olds)ScienceQ : Name the four seasons.
    A : Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
    Q : Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
    A : Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
    Q : How is dew formed?
    A : The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
    Q : What is a planet?
    A : A body of earth surrounded by sky.
    Q : What causes the tides in the oceans?
    A : The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.SociologyQ : What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    A : If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
    Q : In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    A : Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
    Q : What are steroids?
    A : Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.BiologyQ : What happens to your body as you age?
    A : When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
    Q : What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A : He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
    Q : Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A : Premature death.
    Q : What is artificial insemination?
    A : When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
    Q : How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A : Keep it in the cow.
    Q : How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
    A : The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
    Q : What is the Fibula?
    A : A small lie.
    Q : What does "varicose" mean?
    A : Nearby.
    Q : What is the most common form of birth control?
    A : Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
    Q : Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
    A : The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
    Q : What is a seizure?
    A : A Roman emperor.
    Q : What is a terminal illness?
    A : When you are sick at the airport
    Q : Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
    A : Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.EnglishQ : Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
    A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
    Q : What does the word "benign" mean?
    A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.TechnologyQ : What is a turbine?
    A : Something an Arab wears on his head.
  • 3 office girls in a lift notice a stain on the wall. The Kentish girl says "That looks like spunk". The cockney girl sniffs it and says "smells like spunk too". The Essex girl licks it and says "well, it's nobody from our office".
  • I showed the Doctor the rash on my cock today. He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it. He just said make an appointment at the surgery tomorrow, then continued to push his trolley with his wife and kids.
  • A korean couple were lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously. "Thats disgusting" shouts the girl. "it's the dog" proclaims the guy. "Don't blame him", she replies, "He was cooked perfectly"
  • HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN: Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her.
    Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

    HOW TO TREAT A MAN: Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV. :)lmao
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