Jokes..

FishnetsFishnets Butters
edited September 2008 in Fun, Jokes & Captions
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood.' I said, 'Where is he then?'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.. I said 'I careered off the road'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
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Comments

  • You are Tommy Cooper aren't you. You didn't really die and you are a Charlton fan.

    Brilliant. Put a smile on me face that has.
  • very good

    Just sent them around the office
  • Sounds suspiciously like Tim Vine's work
  • There's a massive BBQ tommorow night at a Shropshire mansion. Food and drink provided and you're all invited.
    However, apologies but there will be no Fosters.
  • Urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

    My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

    I told him I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

    I jumped down and walked out of the office... When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going
    She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.'
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  • A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

    Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

    He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.!

    'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

    'I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

    After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

    They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

    The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

    'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? '

    'No,' she replies. . . . .












    'You just happened to catch my eye.'
  • A bloke goes to the doctors to get his test results, the doctor tells him to sit down. "im sorry Mr smith but its bad news, youve got HIV", "oh my god" says Mr Smith, "not just that mr smith but you have a rare strand of HIV called HIV 336, you have one day to live" Mr smith breaks down into tears. After talking for a while the doctor tells mr smith to go and do everything that he has ever wanted to do. Mr Smith gets home and tells his wife, after 30mins of crying the wife says "right your comming to the bingo with me!!" "F off" says Mr Smith, "im gona meet the lads go and get lashed have a curry go to a casino then a lap dancing club then stagger back here to bed you". 5 mins later Mr and Mrs smith are walking into the local Gala bingo. Mr Smith is winning everything, four corners, full houses hes on a roll. Then the national grid games on and hes won!! 50 grand!!! the bingo caller calls him up onto the stage, "in all my 25 years as a caller ive never met anyone as lucky as you mr smith" "Lucky!!!,, Lucky!!!" cries mr Smith "Ive got HMV 336!!!" "Fuck me shouts" shouts the bingo caller..... "hes only won the bloody raffle as well !!!!!"
  • I used to work for the Samaritans, I phoned in sick one day, but they talked me out of it.
  • I was invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society annual dinner. I rang them to ask if there was a dress code. They said "Oh no. Just come in your pants"
  • Goonerhater Member
    edited September 2008
    sure this has been on here but well ------

    2 old mums siting chatting in Bagdad

    first one gets out a pic----" this is my son Abdul the martyr"
    second lady ------"yes i remember him when he got his first job"

    first lady gets out anther pic ---"this is my son asif the martyr"
    second lady ---- "yes i remeber his first day at school"

    First lady gets another picture -----" this is my son Ali the martyr"
    second lady --------- "yes i remember his first steps"


    second lady looks at first and says " dont they blow up young these days "
  • Thats a classic SHG.I ll take that out with me tomorrow night. :0)
  • I was a member of the Apathy Society but I couldn't be bothered to go.
  • LoOkOuTLoOkOuT Master Administrator
    Surely, Bing that should be: I was a member of the Apathy Society... ah just forget it. ;-)
  • Posted By: LoOkOuT
    Surely, Bing that should be: I was a member of the Apathy Society... ah just forget it. ;-)
    There's a few variations on this one e.g.

    Public Notice: "The meeting of the Apathy Society has been cancelled due to lack of interest"
  • just handed my notice in at the helium balloon factory

    im not going to be spoken to like that
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  • A lorry arrived at the Olympics today loaded with wire and wood ...
    ... turns out it was the Irish Fencing Team.

    Jill Dando's former boyfriend has been arrested for her murder after it was revealed they argued on the day of her death. Apparently he wanted to paint the front door, but she was dead against it.

    A scouser rings the local paper to place an obituary for his late wife. He only has £1 which would only get him three words. He said write "Margaret is dead". The guy at the paper felt sorry for him and said "You can have three more words at no extra cost". The scouser thanks the guy and says "Can you write 'Margaret is dead, Fiesta for sale'."

    A Pakistani terrorist has been shot dead by the Metroploitan Police. When asked why the Pakistani had 68 bullet wounds, a police spokesman said "That's all we had."

    Two Jamaican Mothers on a bus. One says to the other "Is ya baby teethin yet?" The other says "Yeah man, so far he's got me two DVD's and a mobile phone
  • Jerome Thomas is a PREMIERSHIP player !
  • 2 Cows in a field.. One goes "MMOOOO" the other one goes "You git i was gona say that!!"

    2 australian blokes are pulling an aboriginal bloke out of the water with a rope tied around his waste. the local vicar comes running up to the men and praises them for the selfish act of saving the mans life. "Nice Bloke that vicar" says the first man, "Yeah but he knows F all about shark fishing" said the 2nd man.
  • Two dyslexics sitting in a car.One turns to the other and says "I can smell petrol".


    "Good for you "says the other one "I can't even smell my own name."
  • Woman goes to the bar & orders two double bacardi & cokes, finds a table & sits down. Drinks one of the bacardis & pours the other in her lap before going back to the bar. She orders the same again, sits down, drinks one & pours the other in her lap. The barman has noticed by now & when she orders the third round asks her what she's up to. She says 'I've just won 2 million on the lottery & that's the only c*nt getting a drink out of me!'
  • Posted By: Covered End
    There's a massive BBQ tommorow night at a Shropshire mansion. Food and drink provided and you're all invited.
    However, apologies but there will be no Fosters.
    I don't get this one???
  • I had to pick my mates wife up from work the other day, she works at Maidstone barracks..................
  • The battery is now about to run out on the laptop so I will do the rest tomorrow.
  • Posted By: Chirpy Red
    [quote]
    Posted By: Covered End
    There's a massive BBQ tommorow night at a Shropshire mansion. Food and drink provided and you're all invited.
    However, apologies but there will be no Fosters.
    I don't get this one???[/quote]

    Foster was the bankrupt millionaire who killed his wife and daughter in his Shropshire mansion before setting fire to it and then shooting himself.
  • Posted By: Carter
    The battery is now about to run out on the laptop so I will do the rest tomorrow.
    Please don't.
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  • The smallest Zoo in the world opened yesterday on the Isle of Sheppey. The only animal it has is a small dog.

    It's a shitzu.
  • Posted By: SoundAsa£
    [quote]
    Posted By: Chirpy Red
    [quote]
    Posted By: Covered End
    There's a massive BBQ tommorow night at a Shropshire mansion. Food and drink provided and you're all invited.
    However, apologies but there will be no Fosters.
    I don't get this one???[/quote]

    Foster was the bankrupt millionaire who killed his wife and daughter in his Shropshire mansion before setting fire to it and then shooting himself.[/quote]


    Ahhhh I see! Of course that was probably in the news then, just shows how other events quickly overshadow storries that seem so bad at the time.
  • StubleyAddickStubleyAddick Member
    edited January 2009
    LOL addicted love that.
  • A kid keeps onto his father about getting his own telly for his bedroom, and so, he final gives in and gets him a 17"TV.
    A couple of days later the kid comes down to the living room and asks his dad "Whats LoveJuice ?"
    The old man is taking aback, but, sitting the kid on his knee he explains the facts of life to an amazed and openmouthed kid. After 30 minutes the father asks if understands all this, and, being as disgret as he can, asks the boy what he watching on his new TV.
    "Tennis" says the boy.
  • When I was growing up my uncle was a shit ventriloquist, he used to shove his hand up my arse and tell me not to tell anyone.
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