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comedy letters

here's a copy of one sent by the Inland Revenue:



Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication and also to answer some of the points you raised. I will address them in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last correspondence as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling which is vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have obviously not seen the other letters to which you refer, I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them in the toilet" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters see you as a "lackwit bumpkin” or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, top-heavy folly that is the Public Services", taking a few moments to perform a rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the Government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself.

The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from the issues which you raised:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the British postal system; and

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the marrow out of those with nothing left to give" has never been considered as a form of alternative taxation as the associated surgical costs would render it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Yours Sincerely,

H J Lee
Customer Relations

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